TLC knows just what I need to hold me over while I’m waiting for new episodes of future Nobel Peace Prize-winning show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and that scripted dramedy Breaking Amish. This weekend, they’ll show a one-hour special about mega cougars and the cubs (Note: I think one of them is an actual cub, because the fur patches on his shoulders tell me so.) who love them. This might be the closest thing we’ll ever get to a documentary about Madonna’s love life.
TLC’s Extreme Cougar Wives focus on three hot cougars: There’s 76-year-old Hattie, the Blanche of her circle who is a denture-tooth tiger and loves to take off her teeth to get wild on a young piece. Hattie’s nightstand cabinet is always stocked with KY and Ensure for energy (Sometimes she mixes ’em up and she no care. That’s how kinky Hattie gets!), because she loves getting skin to skin. Then there’s 65-year-old Stephanie and her 28-year-old piece Octavio. And finally, there’s 53-year-old Jude and her 21-year-old boyfriend Kevin who she met when he dated her daughter 7 years ago. Nope, there’s nothing awkward about licking the taint of a dude you used to make crackers and peanut butter for when he came over to hang out with your daughter after school.
Kevin’s mom flips out in a totally natural and not-at-all scripted moment where he tells her how old his girlfriend is. I guess it’s easier for Kevin to come out to his family about dating a cougar than it is for him to come out to them about sucking off Papa Joe for $600.
And I, for one, am glad that TLC keeps educating us on life’s most important subjects.