Taylor Swift’s Surprise Face Got The Night Off

Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton’s disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor’s facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to “OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING” face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she’ll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won’t win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.

Taylor should’ve known that shit wasn’t going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):

Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor’s dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped ’em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it’s her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.

And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn’t a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude’s a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!