Who knew that all this time Kristie “Third Wheel” Alley has been waiting in the wings, wishing for the day when John Travolta would finally shave Kelly Preston off of his face and pick her as his new beard. On tonight’s 20/20 (via Radar), Kirstie tells Barbara Walters that contrary to popular belief, Krispy Kreme isn’t the true love of her life, John Travolta is.
Kirstie says that she fell seriously in love with John while shooting the first Look Who’s Talking movie and she never tried to beard him, because she was married at the time to Parker Stevenson. Kirstie says that she wanted to leave Parker and run away with John, but she resisted the urge. In between shooting the second Look Who’s Talking movie and the third one, John married his lifelong beard Kelly Preston. Kirstie still considers John the love of her life, but she’s happy to be his main fruit fly and cherishes all the time they spend together (aka having a kiki in the Scientology bath house.)
Poor Kirstie. Why isn’t Kirstie the one on People Magazine talking about her “miracle baby”? Why isn’t Kirstie the one giving John choreographed kisses on the red carpet? Why isn’t Kirstie the one holding hands with John in staged photo-ops? Why is it that bitch Kelly Preston? Why didn’t John choose her? Oh, Kirstie, always the fag hag, never the beard.
I don’t mean to disrespect Kelly Preston’s bearding skills, because she is a world-class beard, but Kirstie Alley would’ve been better. Kirstie would’ve gladly and loudly lied to everyone about how she gets it on with John all the time and he really knows how to work that dick on her cooch like a real heterosexual. Kirstie would’ve laid it on extra thick during staged public displays of affection on the red carpet. And every time John came home crying because another massage therapist ran away from his hungry, hungry b-hole, Kirstie would’ve made him feel better by making him a big pot of cake batter soup with cookie dough bits in it. Then Kirstie would’ve put on Auntie Mame and let John recite all of Rosalind Russell’s lines. She’d gladly take Vera’s lines. That’s a beard to the end right there. Oh well, it’s John Travolta’s loss!