All Hail The Return Of The Keeper Of The Unicorns

Here’s Robert Pattinson stoically standing in a junkyard to summon the tiny unicorns back to his enchanted forest hair. That’s not grease and oily build-up covering his tendrils, that’s the syrupy nectar tiny unicorns secrete when they rub their haunches against his wisps of hair. That’s not sparkly dandruff stuck up in there, that’s unicorn sperm. Here’s RPattz looking ridiculous in L’Uomo Vogue and the mop on his head is so damn high that if the angels hung their faces over the clouds, they could floss their teefs out with the tips of his hair.

You can laugh at him for wearing that Lanvin coat, but it’s not fashion to RPattz, it’s armor! Every time he steps out of his house, the crazed Twihards who camp in his front yard gutters, throw themselves on his body. Well, the next time they do it, will be the last time they do it. Unless….they mistake those things for cone dildos and try to mate with one. I’ve made the same mistake too…

And here’s also some pictures of RPattz with KStew at a party at the Hollywood Forever cemetery last night. Even his mask look miserable.