Taylor Moves Swiftly

October 30, 2012 / Posted by:

I hate myself for a lot of headlines, but I really hate myself for that headline.

Three seconds ago, Taylor Swift was going from Barnes & Noble to Barnes & Noble, stuffing her head shot and bio into every copy of The Kennedy Women, because what she wanted more than anything in the world, besides a white pony with heart-shaped pupils, was to become a Kennedy. But now, the bitch is over it. Conor Kennedy dumped her Taylor, because she kept showing up to his homeroom wearing a replica of Jackie Kennedy’s wedding dress. Taylor Kennedy spent a whole day crying into the fire as she burned the towels and sheets she had monogrammed with the initials TK, but she’s done crying over a Kennedy and has already moved on to a new piece.

The Daily Mirror (I know, I know) says that fast-moving tramp trollop is now wrapping her heart around British singer/songwriter type Ed Sheeran. Taylor and Ed worked on a song together for her album Period, which proved that talking shit about your exes in sing song form is a money maker, and he’s going on tour with her next year. Some source said that Taylor and Ed are getting really close and they’re getting so close that he tattooed the word RED on his arm. Normally, I’d think that getting anything Taylor Swift-related tattooed on your body is like begging your family to 5150 your crazy ass,  but Ed’s tattoo isn’t that big of a deal. Ed can change it to REDRUM when she eventually breaks up with him, because she needs new inspiration and has to move on to the next trick.

Taylor Swift was hard up on getting in with the Kennedys and now it looks like she’s hard up on getting in with the ginger Hobbits. Tramp is trying to get into the Shire. If Taylor really wants in, she better move slow, because ginger Hobbits hate it when you make sudden, quick moves. It makes them scatter down into their hobbit-holes. Taylor better not screw this one up by trying to marry him in his sleep, because this one is a keeper. I’m only saying that, because if you smear actual raw ginger over your eyeballs and squint, he kind of sort of looks like the angel goddess of gingers Rojo Caliente.

See if you can tell the difference between the two. If you can’t tell the difference, then please run to your nearest church, throw yourself on the altar and beg God to forgive you for not recognizing his greatest creation.

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