This Hot Piece Was Found Wandering Around Tom Cruise’s Backyard Last Night….

Usually, when Tommy Girl’s neighbors hear the pained screams of a man coming from his backyard, they just assume that John Travolta’s itchy, itchy Scientolohole once again crashed Tommy’s gay orgy and started gobbling up boy dick left and right. But last night, a man screamed in Tommy’s backyard for a different reason. TMZ says that Jason Sullivan, a model/interior designer who lives in a house next to Tommy’s, was tased by a security guard after he climbed a fence and jumped into Tommy’s backyard. The line “man gets shocked after jumping into Tommy’s backyard” sounds like a euphemism for sex with a plug-in vibrator gone wrong.

The story goes that Jason Sullivan was out drinking and asked a friend to drive him home. After the friend dropped him off, Jason was so drunk on the sweet nectar that he didn’t know which house was his. So Jason stumbled onto Tommy’s property by accident. Jason knew he was in the wrong place when one of Tommy’s security guards frizzed his pubes by tasering his ass. When the police showed up, they found smoke rising from Jason’s pubes and hair as he tried to run away from Tommy’s mansion. Jason was arrested for trespassing and before he was shuffled off to jail, he was taken to the hospital, because getting tased screwed him up in a bad way. Tommy wasn’t home at the time.

This is just a sad, sad story. Can’t a secret lover sneak into his boyfriend’s Beverly Hills mansion for a good night kiss on the no-no without worrying about his piece’s bodyguard tasering the Thetans off of him? Romance is dead, because Tommy’s security guards tased it.