Papa Joe’s (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink

If Radar and The National Enquirer are both spreading the truth, then Papa Joe Simpson really does like to squeeze and lick the cream out of a Twinkie. The National Enquirer turned the knob and opened up Papa Joe’s closet door earlier this week when they said that his marriage turned to butt dust when he told his family that he loves the dick. The Enquirer’s source said that Papa Joe was slapping nuts with a 20-something boy toy and Radar thinks they know who it is.

Radar says that 21-year-old “aspiring model” Bryce Chandler Hill has been bragging to the gays in West Hollywood that he’s climbing his way up the fame ladder by climbing on top of Papa Joe’s good Christian dick. ONTD might’ve found some proof in this little flirty exchange on Twitter been BC and PJ last July. I don’t know if it’s because of that outfit or that flirty tweet from Papa Joe, but my b-hole just twitched itself into a temporary coma.

 Radar’s source says that Bryce met 54-year-old Papa Joe through TJ Espinoza, a back-up dancer and one of Jessica and Ashlee’s friends. Even though Papa Joe was lounging in the back of the closet with the lights turned off, Bryce was still blabbing about how he was boning and using Papa Joe to get ahead. None of Bryce’s friends believed him until this week. The source put it like this:

“Joe Simpson being outed by the National Enquirer was no surprise to the gay community in Hollywood, Bryce has been bragging about hooking up with Joe for a while now. Bryce is close to TJ Espinoza, who in turn is good friends with both Jessica and Ashlee and worked for Britney Spears as a back-up dancer. TJ introduced Bryce to the Simpsons – and that’s how he met Joe.

Bryce claims he’s been dating Joe for roughly a year and absolutely loves to boast about it because he loves being the center of attention. He’s also been quick to tell anyone that will listen that he’s using Joe to climb the showbiz ladder. Bryce is desperate to become famous, he’s done lots of modeling shoots and wants to become an actor. When he met Joe, he knew what a good job he had done in managing Jessica and Ashlee’s careers and wanted a piece of the pie himself. But the sad thing is, he mocks and laughs at Joe behind his back. He doesn’t care for him in the same way Joe does about him.”

Bryce said on Twitter that this story is made of lies.

I should’ve known that Papa Joe’s type would be a tanning bed-cooked twink who has side swept bangs just so he can fill the air with gold glitter when he flips his hair like a Breck Girl while dancing shirtless to a Robyn song in the middle of a WeHo gay club. The kind of twink who sprays Victoria’s Secret passion fruit body mist on his bleached butt flower. That would be Papa Joe’s type.

But you know, I feel sorry for Papa Joe. I don’t feel sorry for Papa Joe because he’s getting played by a spotlight-fucking, gold digging piece of tampon lint. I feel sorry for Papa Joe because he’s obviously trying to twinkify himself. Have you seen those tragic pictures at TMZ? Dude looks like Gary Busey as Ellen DeGeneres. Papa Joe needs the right gays around him. Papa Joe needs someone to tell him that wearing that sweater is only okay if you’re a Wakefield twin and that hair just made Ken Paves stroke his favorite shears and promise them that he’d never ever make them commit a hair massacre like that. Papa Joe’s hair is a level 10 tragedy. And that white iPhone? No words.

A mid-life crisis should not involve peroxide. It just shouldn’t.