Jessica Simpson Can’t Believe Her Daddy Loves The Peen

I took my gaydar to the Geek Squad yesterday, because the stupid, cheap thing didn’t shoot out a stream of sparkly unicorn jizz every time I looked at a picture of Papa Joe. I guess Jessica Simpson was right behind me in line, because Radar says that she was as shocked as me to find out that Papa Joe loves the peen even though the signs were all there (huge example: that Revlon Frost & Glow hair).

Papa Joe and Tina Simpson both filed to divorce each other’s ass yesterday and The National Enquirer said it was because he told them two months ago that he’s totally and legitimately gay (he denies it, sort of, not really). Ashlee Simpson gasped so hard that her original nose came back and Jessica Simpson couldn’t believe it. All those times Papa Joe was away from the house for hours on end, Jessica and Ashlee thought he was flashing young ladies in the park, but he was actually boning boy toy butt with his tongue. Some source said this:

“Jessica had absolutely no clue that her father was gay, not even the slightest inkling. She thinks she has very good gaydar, especially since a lot of her friends are gay, but she did not see this coming at all. It was a complete shock to the system, she feels terribly for her mom who was left reeling by the announcement and her sister Ashlee has also taken the news quite badly. Jessica’s been trying to process the information slowly, but she’s having difficulty dealing with it. She can’t understand why Joe stayed married to Tina for so long, and can’t help wondering how much of their life was a lie. Despite that, she’s going to stand by him and support his decision. After all, he’s still her father and Joe’s always been there for Jessica whenever she’s needed him… And not just as a father, but as her manager too.”

Poor dumb simple Jessica. Think of all the hours she spent in therapy to deal with the scars she got from watching her dad touch her tits wrong with his eyes and from trying to put on a fake smile while holding up the lace lingerie he bought her for Christmas. But Papa Joe was only checking to make sure her chichi game was in check and only bought her lingerie, because her underwear was homely. Papa Joe isn’t a creepy, pervert daddy. Papa Joe’s just a sassy gay dad. This changes EVERYTHING.

And my gaydar is sad, confused and hating itself for not ringing for Papa Joe, so I’m going to build its confidence by giving it something easy. Here’s the German rainbow Harald Glööckler unveiling the house he designed in Berlin. “Wait, Harald’s gay TOO?!” – Jessica Simpson