Why didn’t I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he’s an albino flamingo dancing in the wind…. Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he’s free, he’s going to let all his glitter out!
And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They’re all like that!
The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe’s 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee’s mother, Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn’t keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:
“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”
And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.
I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter’s titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn’t thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica’s tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter’s chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that’s the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)
If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can’t wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he’s got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he’s just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!