Mitt Romney’s team is frantically writing a speech where he’ll promise to allow stolen necklaces as a tax write-off for jooree thieves and give out “buy 1 8-ball, get 1 8-ball” free vouchers to cokies, because he might be close to losing the most important vote of the election! A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan said that she’s voting for Romney, because she believes that jobs are really important right now. LiLo did have a point. Jobs ARE important. How do you think LiLo gets her daily supply of Adderall? Blow jobs! How do you think LiLo gets into all those fashion parties? Hand jobs! How do you think LiLo pays the guy from ConEd when he comes to her rented house to shut down her electricity due to non-payment? Rim jobs! Jobs really ARE important.
But just when we all thought that “Romney” would be the name LiLo spits up after EVERYONE asks her who she voted for (even though we know her ass isn’t going to vote, because she’ll show up to the polling place 4 days too late since her “walking pneumonia” acted up again), she flips shit around. During last night’s Battleship game between Romney and Obama, LiLo live-tweeted her extremely important thoughts and Politico says she started off by re-tweeting (and then deleting) her support for Obama. And then LiLo got into it:
LiLo must’ve numbed her nerves with medical numbing ointment known as vodka, but she quickly got into the serious topics at hand including Obama saying that Romney’s foreign policies are stuck in the 80s. (Side note: If Romney is stuck in the 80s, does that mean he’s bringing back Beverly Hills Teens, because that’ll get my vote.)
LiLo then asked Bill Maher to DM her. Bill probably thought that freebasing Glade scented oil gave LiLo a case of the typos again and she really meant to ask, “Would you please DP me?”, because he didn’t answer her.
LiLo then tried and failed to get Sarah Silverman to talk to her….
And then she said something to Vanity Fair:
Then LiLo ended the night by saying she’s more nervous than the two dudes who are actually running for president:
Don’t laugh at that tweet. Live-tweeting the last debate made LiLo’s nostrils extra hongray for the bad shit, so she snorted up her entire stash and nothing fills a bitch with anxiety like staring at an empty Ziploc bag.
So not only are horses carrying bayonets extra sad today, but so is Mitt Romney, because he might’ve lost LiLo’s vote. If Mitt wants to win her back, he better hand her a binder full of Vicodin right now.