Good Luck With That, Michael Lohan

October 22, 2012 / Posted by:

With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ’s sources (fun fact: “One of TMZ’s sources” is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo’s entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she’s eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian’s pussy eats black dick and she’s drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day (“What’s wrong with that?” says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn’t finish all of the second bottle? For shame.

Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo’s manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn’t happen. But since that intervention didn’t happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody’s father, but that’s not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he’s going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog’s dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he’s asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo’s mom/wallet leech White Oprah. 

Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.

Michael Lohan’s brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter’s name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.

And here’s LiLo looking like Julie Cooper’s mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.

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