Presenting Mr. & Mrs. TimberBiel!

After slurping on each other’s no-nos for five long years, Jessica Biel finally decided to make an honest bitch out of Justin Timberlake by marrying him in Italy today. Seconds after Jessica and Justin exchanged vows (his vows being the lyrics to “This I Promise You,” obviously) and she promised love and cherish him through thick hair, thin curly, curly hair, corn row hair, relaxed hair and ramen hair, they gave this statement to People:

“It’s great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends.”

Since Jessica and Justin sold all the EXCLUSIVO details of their wedding to People, they kept everything a secret from their guests until the last minute. Gossip Cop says that no children were allowed and guests had to go for the whole week or not at all. Bossy bitches, that Justin and Jessica. All of their guests were given specific instructions: each guest had to fly to Frankfurt, Germany and from there they were all put on a private jet to Naples. From Naples, they were shuttled to the town of Puglia. I heard that guests were blindfolded and their phones were taken away, so some of them got into the wrong car and are now working as sex slaves for the Italian mafia, but that’s what they get for not following instructions!

I know, all that work just to go to Justin and Jessica’s stupid ass wedding. That’s like clenching and releasing your butt cheeks for twenty minutes straight to try to push gas out, and then you let out the wimpiest silent fart ever. Let down.

And the only way Justin and Jessica’s wedding wasn’t a let down is if they paid tribute to his true love Brit Brit by wearing the most iconic and sophisticated denim outfits of all time.