Shocker Of The Century: Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Show Up To Work Yesterday

October 18, 2012 / Posted by:

Patrick Bateman’s bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan’s driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn’t show up to work. Hollywood’s forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn’t punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don’t believe it! Next, you’re going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders’ dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart’s lips aren’t one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!

The last time Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to a job, she blamed it on “walking pneumonia.” I wonder what she’ll blame it on this time? I’m going to put half of my chips on “Ah I had 24-hour cancer!” and the other half of my chips on “Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!” (aka took too much Special K)

I didn’t know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it’s just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should’ve just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should’ve made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan’s signature slur down. The hobo would’ve done a better job and the sound guys wouldn’t have to worry about their watches getting stolen.

Here’s the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.

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