Everyone Is Breaking Up With Lance Armstrong’s Doping Ass

October 17, 2012 / Posted by:

Livestrongers everywhere are wearing those rubber yellow bracelets at half-mast today, because the charity’s founding father has been kicked off of his rubber yellow throne for allegedly doping up. Livestrong told Lance Armstrong to take all of his pretty lil’ shit, all his happy lil’ shit, and get out of their house, because they’re sick of checking under his mattress for doping needles. So then Lance took his suitcase and shuffled over to Nike’s house, but they’re not looking to change their tagline to “Just DOpe It” and so they dumped him too. Bitch has no medals, has lost his sponsorship from Nike and the cancer charity he founded in 1997 wants nothing to do with his ass. Okay, well, that’s not totally true. Livestrong is letting Lance stay on the board, but that’s just a “Yeah, you can come by and have a powdered donut during our meetings, but it’s not like we’re going to listen to anything your DOPING ass has to say” move. Lance passed out this open break-up letter today:

“I have had the great honor of serving as this foundation’s chairman for the last five years and its mission and success are my top priorities. Today therefore, to spare the foundation any negative effects as a result of controversy surrounding my cycling career, I will conclude my chairmanship.”

With no charity to run, no medals to polish, no race to cycle in, Lance will do what every retiree does: watch Dr. Oz reruns, yell at children, tend to the gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard and practice their OMGIDIDNTKNOWTHATIJUSTBOUGHTTHISATACARBOOTSALE face when the cops bust them for having a gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard.

Lying Ass Lance will be fine, but I wonder how Livestrong is going to distance themselves from this semi-scandal? Obviously, they need to reinvent themselves and the only way to do that is to drop those yellow rubber bracelets and sell yellow rubber cock rings instead. Cock rings make everything better.

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