Since Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler regularly party in Mexico together and pass out side-by-side in a puddle of barfed up tequila worms, tortilla chip crumbs and drops of the clear leather shoe polish Chelsea smears on her face to stay glowing, the former was the first guest on the latter’s revamped talk show last night. Jennifer Aniston was on there to promote Jennifer Aniston and to also remind us all that Justin Theroux, a human man who breathes oxygen and is not made out of cardboard, “gave her” a 4500-carat diamond ring that she already owned and always kept on her hard nipple knob just in case he was in the mood to propose (aka drank the roofied beer she gave him and didn’t put up a fight when she made his hand sign his name on an engagement contract).
Chelsea, who was wearing one of Tootsie’s old dresses, said something like, “So you got engaged.” Then just like she had practiced all day in front of a three-way mirror, Aniston did a 1… 2… 3… SCRUNCH FACE TO PULL THEM GLYCERIN TEARS OUT 5… 6… 7… FLASH THAT RING BY FANNING THOSE TEARS… That shit was more staged and choreographed than Paul Ryan’s soup kitchen visit.
Chelsea then told Jen that Justin is the greatest guy ever and they make the greatest couple ever. I felt like I was sitting on a plastic bench in the quad and chewing on a square slice of pizza while trying not to roll my eyeballs off, because they looked like two high school sophomores slobbering about their boyfriends.
Even though Jennifer Aniston gave the stunt queen performance of her life, I am disappointed in her. I mean, not once did she say that she was so happy she cried out a million tears of happiness and the only way she can quench her tear ducts is by downing a bottle of Smart Water. (*holds up bottle of Smart Water to her face while flashing a smile at the camera*) Actually, Jennifer Aniston’s tears probably ARE Smart Water and I bet that ring was made with Smart Water. I stand corrected. Well played, Aniston.