Open Post: Hosted By The Incredibly Shrinking Texas T-Rex

If you’re an actor type who really wants to get your hands around the gold-plated career dildo known as an Oscar statue, you either have to be Meryl Streep, a pretty white girl or you have to Christian Bale it by going HONGRAY. Matthew McConaughey is going with the latter, because he’s starving his way to that Oscar. No, Matthew McConaughey is not playing a final days Vincent Price or Marc Anthony in a biopic. The Texas T-Rex is playing real person Ron Woodruff, a drug addict with HIV who became an AIDS activist. Matthew tells UsWeekly that the muscles melted from his body from going on a high-protein, low-carb diet, and every time his stomach started begging for ANYTHING, he shut it up by looking at that terrifying picture of him getting fucked in the butt with dollar bills.

Is Matthew really trying to say that he lost all that weight from dieting? T-Rex, please. Obviously, Matthew is going through a terrible, terrible break-up. Dude can’t eat, can’t sleep and he’s dead in the eyes from crying his soul out. I’m talking about Matthew’s break-up with his bong. Matthew and his bong re-enacted the “So Long” scene from Gone with the Wind, because he has to temporarily let it go if he doesn’t want to stuff his stoner mouth hole with Funyun nachos and mac ‘n cheese pancakes. A bong break-up is the worst break-up.

And we should really send our good thoughts to Matthew’s shirts and sweaters, because they probably think it’s the end of the world and are so scared now that he’s wearing them again.