Too Little Too Late, Feds

October 14, 2012 / Posted by:

Because the FBI has nothing better to do, TMZ is reporting that Hulk Hogan‘s lawyer got in touch with them to waaahwaaahwaaaah over the sadist who leaked his sex tape to the world. Believe me Hulk when I say you can’t possibly be as devastated as those of us who have no self control when it comes to link-clicking and witnessed that horror.

Hulk wants the Feds to track down and prosecute the dirty bastard (we can at least all agree on that point) who showed the world his breathtaking secks moves that have Don Juan sitting at a bar in purgatory crying into his Mojito. TMZ says he tried to go to the Florida cops about it, but they were too busy tracking down face eating zombies, crazy jilted Depends wearing astronauts and Nick Hogan to deal with this mess. No, they said that since the tape was made in 2006, the statute of limitations – 4 years – had expired regarding the legality of taping someone without their permission, and that because the release crossed state lines it was a federal issue. And then they all pointed and laughed and said “Let me see if that’s Nick, hold on.” (ty I think Gawker)

Hulk (this is a grown ass man named Hulk, so hard to type with a straight face) is supposed to meet with FBI officials on Monday. Too bad he couldn’t have met with them weeks ago before the tape went live, saving us all brain bleach, therapy and hive cream bills. I do agree though that the person who leaked that mess should be tracked down, drawn and quartered, dunked in rubbing alcohol and then burned. It’s only fair.

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