The Time Olivia Wilde's Vagina Died
After Olivia Jane Cockburn's marriage to that Italian royal dude ended, relatives she hadn't seen in years brought her casseroles wrapped in aluminum foil, her family hired professional crying ladies to constantly weep at her panty drawer and the choir at her local church sang "My Heart Will Go On" while pictures of her pussy flashed on a screen above them. Because Olivia Wilde says that her coochie went to heaven when her marriage went to hell.
Glamour hosted a night of monologues called These Girls at Joe's Pub in NYC on Monday night and Olivia Wilde got up to say things about her down low parts including this piece of poetry about her marriage ending:
“I felt like my vagina died. Turned off. Lights out ... And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
I don't know if you can't lie to your vagina, but you can lie FOR your vagina. Don't act like you haven't hollered out a wave of "OHHELL YES OHSHIT YES OHDOMELIKETHAT YESes" while your vagina is barely staying awake and keeps hitting the snooze button.
Olivia went on to say that when she met Jason Sudeikis, who was at Joe's Pub that night, her punane rose from the ashes of woe. It was the second coming of her pussy. Now once a year, we celebrate the resurrection of her vagine by painting a picture of her coochie on hard-boiled eggs and the Crystal Cathedral presents a show called The Glory of Olivia Wilde's Cooch.
Olivia said that her box is making up for lost times and she and Jason "have sex like Kenyan marathon runners." Olivia then told this story about OliviaLand:
In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal. There’s the issue of kids. Okay this is fun.
In Olivia Land, all the kids go to boarding school at seven. It’s like in Harry Potter!
I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.
In Olivia Land, the streets are paved with dark chocolate, and all the people are free of body hair and menstrual cramps.”
But back to the Kenyan marathon runners thing. How in the hell do Kenyan marathon runners do it? My guess is that they pray to God beforehand and then they start out real slow. Just as they start to get into it, they stop and Olivia gargles her coochie out with whatever water is sponsoring her sex times with Jason. Then they go for a little bit longer before they go really hard at the end and Jason squirts out the finish line. Then they fall to the floor and start crying as their family members throw their country flag on top of them. Isn't that how everybody fucks? Now I feel weird.
via Vulture
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red bottom shoes sale
Oooh... she's not too bright is she. But she's quite a looker. I'm sure she'll do good in Hollywood where it's all about the looks anyway.
But how in the hell did Jason get her? Isn't she a bit out of his league?
I need to first hand test out her vagina to determine for myself if it is really in fact dead or not.
She really need one http://squirtingdildos.net
Why do these bitches say the most dumbass things ? Like we need to know her vagina died. Or is resurrected.
Raul would like to give her slophole mouth to mouth.
http://youtu.be/MDQBrm4w4Sk
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I have the heart of a child........No really, it is in a jar on my desk.
What is this twit talking about, OliviaLand and dead vagines? Her world makes me shudder! Brrrrrr ;D
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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I never understood people who talked about their body parts like that. Like guys who name their dicks. It seems so dissociated and strange. I guess when you say stupid stuff like this it means your brain is dead too.
I'm tired of celebs thinking that they're being edgy and daring by talking about their bits. Olivia relies on her looks and her stories about her exotic upbringing but is otherwise totally bland. I'm bored of her, already.
Dumb bitch.
Girls that pretty need to shut their damn trap and just keep that pussy poppin. It's about all she's good for, obviously.
Kissingandcupping,
she probably thinks that's about 500 bucks considering she hasn't ever lived in the real world. I wonder how she would really feel if her man cheated with a prostitute. that was a pretty stupid statement that just shows how much she values female sexuality.
i still find it difficult to believe someone this daft is related to alexander cockburn.
Submitted by Scott in NYC on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 10:43pm.
Do any celebrities believe in mystery or dignity...at all??
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Scott, love, then we wouldn't have Dlisted ;-)
Do any celebrities believe in mystery or dignity...at all??
I can't imagine anything worse than walking around with a dead vagina. In Mani6s world we call this Paris Hilton.
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I thought dodo birds were extinct.
I'm fine with everything she said except finding a prostitute should be INEXPENSIVE AS A PEDICURE, EXCUSE ME??? Fucking a stranger should never be "inexpensive as a pedicure" even if it is legal.
Kissing Ass and Cupping Balls. You're Welcome.
I would never lie to my vagina. Isn't that a sin?
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LMAO. Second coming of her pussy...
Oh, Lord. She needs to shut up.
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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.
"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz
Wow she's annoying.
What the hell?
Is this dipshit aware that actual boarding schools are not like Hogwarts, but more like hell?
Ah, she doesn't care. She seems like the sort who abandons her kids once they stop being cute litte dolls.
*********
I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
okay. she's an idiot.
moving on to the next thread. :\
@ ME and Jack,
A Hulk Hogan style video for public consumption is required of all hookups arranged on Dlisted. You can check the fine print on that, we do have lawyers here. We will sue, if not then we will talk about you like DOGS. :P
***************
You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
@ Whams,
*In my best PeeWee Herman voice*
I meant to do thaaat. lol
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
Submitted by bambam on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:23pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:14pm.
Hey, don't tell me how to spell ya molson breath, eh? I had me some college. ;)
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LOL
*shakes Sherwood at Bammer*
I'm not one to talk by any means but you kinda walked into that one :) :P
She is such a bimbo who thinks she is really smart. I still remember her being at Real Time and she talked like she had googled the issues the night before and was reciting what she read online without even knowing really what it meant. For a second it looked almost like she she was reading scribbles of her hand.
..
.
.
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"Charlie you fucking bitch, let's work it out" - High Fidelity
What a load of cringeworthy bullshit.
*clears calendar*
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
She can't act, but this is funny! And she's right, you can't lie to your vagina and your vagina tells you when it's sad and it effects your spirit. TRUE!
Submitted by EvilShoe on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:11pm.
My vagina has been on life support for the last six months, I am hoping for some medical intervention. *looks around for Dlisted doctors*
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Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:14pm.
*bursts in to room in scrubs holding speculum*
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*also bursts into the room holding something else*
Bwahahahahahahaa!!!
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
"she looks like a sandworm in that picture"
more like a snake
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:14pm.
Hey, don't tell me how to spell ya molson breath, eh? I had me some college. ;)
***************
You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
Here in M.Eland I thought that by getting home early, getting the twice baked potatoes done, having the kids finish their homework, doing 2 loads of laundry, emptying the dishwasher and doing all the dishes, AND having dinner ready when BH came home would win me some fucky times.
Sadly. No.
*makes appointment with Jack*
Submitted by EvilShoe on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:11pm.
My vagina has been on life support for the last six months, I am hoping for some medical intervention. *looks around for Dlisted doctors*
HERE IS CUCUMBER & SOME BOX WINE, have fun.
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Oh, this trick! And I once *thought* I might actually like her if given the chance. What a dumbass.
Love,
Mabel
Submitted by tomahawk on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 3:29pm.
Dear tomahawk,
Whore, your English is just fine. It's certainly better than the derps here (I don't mean Dlisted) that butcher it daily. Great job!
:)
Submitted by bambam on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:07pm.
you speak english real good.
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You speak English very well. :P
Signed,
Canadian
*bursts in to room in scrubs holding speculum*
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
My vagina has been on life support for the last six months, I am hoping for some medical intervention. *looks around for Dlisted doctors*
Hey tomahawk, don't fret, you speak english real good. At least you don't butcher it like some of the Canuckleheads on the blog.
I KEED I KEED!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*waits for hockey stick waving mob*
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:04pm.
Punane: Estonian for red.
Punani: Hawaiian for pussay ("beautiful flower")
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Thank you. I spell it punane as well. I know better next time. Not that I write punane a lot, mind you (I do).
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:03pm.
I try to focus on what's important. :)
her family is really interesting. i was wondering why they all had their own Wikipedia articles - she comes from famous journalists and filmmakers and rabblerousers.
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God don't like ugly.
As a mother of a seven-year-old, I sincerely hope that no child ever calls this woman "Mom." That was the most offensive part to me.
Punane: Estonian for red.
Punani: Hawaiian for pussay ("beautiful flower")
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 4:02pm.
That is NOT how you use a hammock
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LMAO!
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 3:59pm.
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Wed, 10/10/2012 - 3:52pm.
M.E. -- yeah, she was on "House." She played Thirteen, poorly I might add.
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I don't know, she seemed pretty mature for Thirteen.
That is NOT how you use a hammock.