Because the Duchess of Alba and Chantal Biya took themselves out of the running to give homelier hags a chance, Esquire named Mila Kunis as their Sexiest Woman Alive. Esquire tried to prove their point by publishing a cover picture of a topless and guilty Mila looking like you just caught her licking Ashton Kutcher’s butt essence from her finger. Mila needs to get that finger out of her mouth, because we all know where it’s been and none of us like it. You nasty, Mila!
Magazines only pull this “Sexiest Blah Blah Alive” stuff, because they want everyone to rage their b-holes off by screaming “She isn’t the sexiest! Rojo Caliente is! RECOUNT!” (that was me five seconds ago) and because it’s the easiest way to get their cover girl to take her top off for the photographer. But you know, for once I actually agree with Esquire, but only because I can’t argue with a magazine who put the words “Where To Eat Now” right next to Mila’s ass. Subtle. Those dirty ass lickers should win a Pulitzer for that alone.
And when is Esquire going to finally name their Sexiest Woman Dead? Anna Wintour and the Olsens need to be recognized for being sexy AND soulless.