Just What You Needed Today: Scenes From Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape

October 4, 2012 / Posted by:

Oh, grandma, cover your face, because this might be the worst thing to hit your eyeballs since you read the words “Matlock canceled!” in Readers Digest.

Like with most horrific thoughts that leave temporary oozing sores on my brain, I completely forgot that a Hulk Hogan sex tape made the rounds last March and that the crispy walrus tried to stop it from coming out. But an anonymous evil doer who is obviously working for the Illuminati sent the 30-minute long tape to Gawker and they didn’t want anything in return. They just wanted Gawker to see it. Yeah, so that anonymous evil doer is like that friend who tells you to come out, because they want you to see this dead, mutilated pigeon that’s been ran over so many times that it’s practically part of the pavement. Thank you, friend! A.J. Daulerio from Gawker watched all 30 minutes of it, and after he woke up from a coma brought on by excessive fapping, he posted almost 2 minutes of the tape’s greatest moments and then wrote in detail what goes down.

Last March, Hulk said that he sticks it in so many tricks that he doesn’t know most of their names, so there’s no way he can even guess who his fuck tape partner is. Gawker thinks his sex tape co-star is the wife of his best friend Bubba the Love Sponge (I’m CAN’T-ing about that name so you don’t have to). Hulk claims that he was secretly taped and it’s obvious he was, because the camera is set up like a surveillance camera in a bodega. It’s black and white and the quality is shitty, but even through the graininess you can see Hulk’s blinding white ass, which matches his blinding white Friar Tuck hair. Hulk is nothing but orange and white. Bitch is like an Orangesicle from hell.

The tape starts off with some mystery dude (maybe Bubba) telling Hulk and the chick that he’s going to his office to let them do their thing. The two start to get into the grossness, but stop for a second when Hulk’s phone rings and you probably already guessed this, but his ring tone is his daughter Brooke Hogan’s song “About Us.” Yeah, I’ll wait here as you change your skin.

When I wrote about this mess in March, I guessed that Hulk’s dick is so small that any woman’s clit could pin it down in a wrestling match. But I was wrong. You only see a second of Hulk’s jerky stick, but it looks like it’s big enough for you to use as a club to knock yourself out so you can wake up not remembering any of this. Hulk’s trick rides his charbroiled salchicha before he busts one and then they have a quick conversation about how Nick’s girlfriend’s sister wants to do him.

You can watch this mess and read the play-by-play at Gawker. Hulk says “thank you” at the end, which makes me thinks this is a prostitution whore situation. And Hulk’s ho says “your big dick feels so good in my pussy” while she’s riding him. Now if you turn to the chapter in the hooker whore handbook on dirty things to say when you’re bored while riding dick, that line is definitely in there.  Also, Hulk’s piece has brown hair. So much peroxide has seeped into Hulk’s head that he probably cums pure bleach and no brunette is going to risk getting bleach stains on her pubes FOR FREE.

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