Just What You Needed Today: Scenes From Hulk Hogan's Sex Tape

Oh, grandma, cover your face, because this might be the worst thing to hit your eyeballs since you read the words "Matlock canceled!" in Readers Digest.

Like with most horrific thoughts that leave temporary oozing sores on my brain, I completely forgot that a Hulk Hogan sex tape made the rounds last March and that the crispy walrus tried to stop it from coming out. But an anonymous evil doer who is obviously working for the Illuminati sent the 30-minute long tape to Gawker and they didn't want anything in return. They just wanted Gawker to see it. Yeah, so that anonymous evil doer is like that friend who tells you to come out, because they want you to see this dead, mutilated pigeon that's been ran over so many times that it's practically part of the pavement. Thank you, friend! A.J. Daulerio from Gawker watched all 30 minutes of it, and after he woke up from a coma brought on by excessive fapping, he posted almost 2 minutes of the tape's greatest moments and then wrote in detail what goes down.

Last March, Hulk said that he sticks it in so many tricks that he doesn't know most of their names, so there's no way he can even guess who his fuck tape partner is. Gawker thinks his sex tape co-star is the wife of his best friend Bubba the Love Sponge (I'm CAN'T-ing about that name so you don't have to). Hulk claims that he was secretly taped and it's obvious he was, because the camera is set up like a surveillance camera in a bodega. It's black and white and the quality is shitty, but even through the graininess you can see Hulk's blinding white ass, which matches his blinding white Friar Tuck hair. Hulk is nothing but orange and white. Bitch is like an Orangesicle from hell.

The tape starts off with some mystery dude (maybe Bubba) telling Hulk and the chick that he's going to his office to let them do their thing. The two start to get into the grossness, but stop for a second when Hulk's phone rings and you probably already guessed this, but his ring tone is his daughter Brooke Hogan's song "About Us." Yeah, I'll wait here as you change your skin.

When I wrote about this mess in March, I guessed that Hulk's dick is so small that any woman's clit could pin it down in a wrestling match. But I was wrong. You only see a second of Hulk's jerky stick, but it looks like it's big enough for you to use as a club to knock yourself out so you can wake up not remembering any of this. Hulk's trick rides his charbroiled salchicha before he busts one and then they have a quick conversation about how Nick's girlfriend's sister wants to do him.

You can watch this mess and read the play-by-play at Gawker. Hulk says "thank you" at the end, which makes me thinks this is a prostitution whore situation. And Hulk's ho says "your big dick feels so good in my pussy" while she's riding him. Now if you turn to the chapter in the hooker whore handbook on dirty things to say when you're bored while riding dick, that line is definitely in there. Also, Hulk's piece has brown hair. So much peroxide has seeped into Hulk's head that he probably cums pure bleach and no brunette is going to risk getting bleach stains on her pubes FOR FREE.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by ShannieOPro on Sat, 10/06/2012 - 10:22am.

His born name sounds like "terrible lay."

Submitted by CarrieOn on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:13pm.

That is indeed Bubba the Love Sponge's voice in the beginning of the tape and the woman in the tape is indeed the ex-Mrs. Bubba the Love Sponge, Heather. I listened to the show here in Florida as well as on Sirius enough that I know both of their voices. There are also pictures of their bedroom on the internet and they are of the same bed that is in this video. They are all good friends who hang out together all of the time - that is where the familiarity at the end of the video comes in - like whether to leave the door open or not.

Maybe Bubba couldn't satisfy his wife so he let Hogan and her get it on?

Bubba is so in love with Hogan that I can see him letting him have a go at his then-wife.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 9:21am.

What a complete douchebag. SHE does all the work, then he rambles about eating right before and feels like a pig (you are) and then talks about how this other chick wants to hook up. Can you make this woman feel any less valuable you fuckwad? MADAM, YOU ARE SETTING THE WOMEN'S MOVEMENT BACK AT LEAST 3 DAYS PLEASE TO PUT YOUR SELF ESTEEM BACK ON!

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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012

"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers

Submitted by guest on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 9:07am.

This post...lmaO!!!

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"I think my butt looks too big in these jeans."

Submitted by WithinReason... on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:15am.

Hilarious post MK, "Thank you, friend!" you're that friend leading us to the whorror! Argh, if it were between "Friar Tuck hair" perfunctorily doing seal secks with a skanky ho and ANYONE ELSE prostitution whoring, ALMOST anyone ELSE would win! Now excuse me while I "change" my skin, hahahha ;p

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by MickeyHolland on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:47am.

"You only see a second of Hulk's jerky stick, but it looks like it's big enough for you to use as a club to knock yourself out so you can wake up not remembering any of this."

^THIS is why MK has no peers as a blogger. He can make me laugh like no one else.

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by LMA618 on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:07am.

'Alright, I'm outta here.' Now if I had a dime every time I've heard that. Yes, I watched it; white ass tan lines and all. First of all, he answers his phone mid fellat' and then proceeds to talk about another woman after the deed is done. Whatever the exchange was, it wasn't enough. Poor girl.

Submitted by mschunkyvanderslut on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 10:41pm.

Submitted by Granny Clampett on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 9:04pm.

Ughhh big dick or not he looks like he's terrible at sex. Guys, you know what happens when you just lay there and do nothing when she' on top? She runs and tells everyone you are a LAZY FUCK...move along with the action when she riding your rod ok? So lame.
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YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!! I agree. If hes lazy I shan't be returning for seconds, thank you.

Submitted by mschunkyvanderslut on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 10:39pm.

Um, ew dude.

Submitted by Stoney on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 10:11pm.

This guy is a disgusting, perverted piece of shit who bred two completely shallow and useless, imbecilic children. Vain, overtanned, barbaric, do-ragged manchild-meathead. I bet his penis looks like a microwaved hebrew national-twizzler hybrid.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 9:56pm.

I like the way they thank each other at the end - shows that they've both been raised with manners and such.

Submitted by rosehips69 on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 9:10pm.

You couldn't pay me to watch that red-faced greasebag pumpin away on anything. Ewwwww.

Submitted by Mani6 on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 8:44pm.

Unrewarding sexual experiences like this leave both parties feeling like complete tools.

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Submitted by A__________Z on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 8:29pm.

I didn't watch and still have to go change my skin.

---------- Dying’s for amateurs. C. Sheen

Submitted by stefystef on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 8:01pm.

I want to see the WHOLE video, not 2 minutes.
Hogan has a LONG cock, not necessarily girth.

Just for your info, Michael K, Bubba and his wife divorced after about 2 years of marriage. They divorced early this year. I wouldn't be surprised if Bubba pimped out his wife... he is totally into Hogan like that.
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Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!- Michael K, 1/26/12

Submitted by Granny Clampett on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:56pm.

Oh I agree, there are women who are lazy fucks too...my guy-slut friend calls them "dead fish"

"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West

Submitted by bambam on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:49pm.

Submitted by Granny Clampett on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 9:04pm.

Uh huh and I got the flip side to that. When I was younger I chased this woman around for 3 weeks trying to get in them pants. Small waisted, big junk in the trunk type. Once she finally gave me some it was terrible, all she did was lay there while I busted a gut. She acted like she was granting me an honor (and I'm not small and knew what I was doing.) Never again.

I like me some big girls but if and when I do find one I try to find out if she's a lazy type. No fun at all.

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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.

Submitted by sillykat on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:41pm.

Preach on, Granny Clampett! I don't mind doing the work every once in awhile, because I like to be the lazy one sometimes too, but my ex was a LAZY FUCK all the time. Yeah, I like being on top but Jesus put a little effort into it.

Submitted by Granny Clampett on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:34pm.

"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West

Submitted by Nanners on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:32pm.

Even though it's like watching your dad I'd rather watch the Hulk's tape than Kanye's. At least we know he genuinely likes women.

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What the fuck dude? And being European is NOT an excuse. - IHateCharityChic 05/10/2012

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:25pm.

No. Just, no.

·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.

Submitted by Mel-Tang on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:17pm.

Definately a transaction. That was disgusting.

Two nasty horz.

* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *

www.poopreport.com :)

<3-------------------------------<3

RIMADYL KILLS

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:11pm.

After reading the blow-by-blow account on Gawker, I am so glad I didn't watch the video. The thought of the Hulk having sex is so unappetizing. I don't care if his dick is the size of a kid's Thermos.

Submitted by Whatever on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 7:06pm.

Was he having sex with that old lady?

Submitted by tojo on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:59pm.

Awkward...

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...the end

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:53pm.

MeowMeow -- I think I love you. You're just like me; I like to piss people like that off and just ignore them.

Submitted by FluffKitteh on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:52pm.

WHY, WHY, WHY did I watch that?

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"Brows should not look like a condiment!" -MK

Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:52pm.

I am not clicking for the same reason i never clicked on Blue Waffle.

Submitted by sillykat on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:45pm.

It was either paid or they're down with the swap. Either way, his hair/head/balding situation was by far the most disturbing part of that video.

Submitted by miz cynical on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:45pm.

Yeah, definitely a paid situation/business transaction. The girl couldn't have sounded less interested or authentic when she quoted her line from the whore handbook. Not that I blame her, he's fucking gross.

Submitted by Darknight on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:33pm.

This guy is so inappropriate. His daughter"s song comes out as his ringtone and he DOESN'T lose his boner. Then he talks about his son's gf's sister wanting to bone him. That family is a bunch of freaks.

Submitted by miz cynical on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:29pm.

I'm afraid to click. Is this like "The Ring" and after you watch it, you're dead within a week? However, I never did see the Colin Farrell video when I had the chance, so I guess I should watch this before it gets taken down.

Oh, and Hekki and all of the other anti-Hamm junk people - I bet at times like this you'd rather see the outline of his junk! :).

Submitted by Who Datt on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:20pm.

I should send Gawker a thank-you note. With all the vomiting I've done tonight after viewing this, I can slip into my 32 waist jeans for the weekend.

Submitted by MooseMama on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:00pm.

I can't believe I watched that, I'm such a Masochist

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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:57pm.

That was a paid sexual interaction. No doubt.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:56pm.

FUCKING MK!!! If you say don't click you KNOW I'M GOI G TO CLICK. THank God that was grainy as hell.

Submitted by TOPANGA on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:55pm.

Watched it, it seemed a bit "set up". Like, who positions a camera at just the right angle above a bed abd tge focus and footage is clear even though its in black and white? Plus the random dude was like" ok I'll let you guys do your thing". Um ok, this isn't sketchy or skeevy at all.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"

-Mean Girl,Regina George

Submitted by mike on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:38pm.

Submitted by Dawn Davenport on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 6:28pm.
A.J. Daulerio is a pompous tool, he is now ruining Gawker as he ruined Deadspin.

How many times can it be ruined?

Submitted by RichBitch on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:33pm.

After a long day at work, I don't want see that!

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:33pm.

Jesus. Mary. Joseph. And the saints. Why is this happening to us??

Submitted by mefunigirl on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:28pm.

ok. I caved and watched it.
It looks and sounds like a professional/paid transaction to me.

how boring.

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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:24pm.

Alright! *grabs bowl of popcorn, 6 pack of beer, settles down on couch*

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

Submitted by mefunigirl on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:17pm.

No. MK. No.

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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz

Submitted by sillykat on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 5:05pm.

I almost clicked on the Gawker link but MK's coverage was all I needed.

"Bitch is like an Orangesicle from hell." Bwhahahh

Submitted by Dawn Davenport on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 4:58pm.

A.J. Daulerio is a pompous tool, he is now ruining Gawker as he ruined Deadspin.

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l love a Dickey with floating balls!!

"R.A. Dickey for 2012 NL Cy Young"

Submitted by beakers bitch on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 4:56pm.

Wait, he fucked on someone who DIDN'T look like his daughter??

Submitted by MeowMeow on Thu, 10/04/2012 - 4:55pm.

He randomly wandered into a Walgreens in Dallas a few years ago while I was there. Naturally, every asshole in there craned their neck to look at him, which he enjoyed. I ignored him just to be a bitch.

That is all.