Long before Eric Johnson’s sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric’s NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that’s not what Eric Johnson’s skeezy dumb ass did.
A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife’s vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he’ll step out on Jessica again:
“He’s a two-timing cheat! He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”
Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn’t smell the difference. That’s a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn’t for Jessica, Eric probably would’ve had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn’t afford it and he’d be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, “Don’t fuck it up.“