The video for the THINK OF THE CHILDREN version of Xtina’s new single “Fuck Your Body” might look familiar to you, because I’m sure you dreamed it up while lying face first in a bowl of technicolor milk after you passed out in a sugar-induced coma from filling your stomach bag with Fruit Loops, Pop Rocks, colored popcorn and Skittles as Monster played on an analog TV in the background.
Wearing outfits she straight stole from Peg and Kelly Bundy’s closets, Xtina plays a candy-coated trailer slut who picks up Adam Levine-alikes and loves their bodies so much that she murders the blue paint and glitter out of them (they’re obviously a Smurf and a fairy disguised as human men). Bitch is not only murdering dudes, several pairs of Spanx and her face pores, but she’s also murdering my childhood in this video. How many My Little Pony’s were harmed in the making of her hair? Not only that, but her hair goes through so many pastel colors that she immediately reminded me of a whore-ified Lil’ Miss Magic Hair:
Xtina should be singing “all I wanna do is steal your looooook,” because that’s exactly what she did to Lil’ Miss Magic.