In about two weeks, I’ll say goodbye to cursing at hos under my breath for walking so damn slow in front of me and I’ll say hello to cursing at a ho in the car in front of me for actually stopping at a stop sign instead of doing the slow roll like normal drivers do. Since Amanda Bynes has moved to NYC, the streets of Los Angeles are a little bit safer (not really), so it’s a good time for me to pick up my dog, bong and rubber dongs and move back for now. I’m mostly doing it because I’ve been here over 10 years and need a change, but I’m mostly doing it because I can’t resist the lure of a weed card, In-N-Out and possibly witnessing Angelyne make copies of her headshot at Kinko’s. So get out your gas masks, L.A., because here I come.
When I told one of my friends about this, he’s like, “Ewwww, aren’t you afraid you’re going to lose your NYC edginess?!” First of all, why do I have a friend that says shit like “NYC edginess”? Second of all, whatever “NYC edginess” I have I got from watching HGTV all night while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay’s bag into my eating hole, so that’s not going to change. Because when I’m in my 1-bedroom Studio City apartment (or whatever), I plan on spending my nights watching HGTV while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay’s bag into my eating hole.
But you know, maybe he’s right about this whole “moving to California” thing not being a good idea. I mean, when I’m driving down the street am I going to come in contact with shiny happy people who sing love songs for their husband while riding a bike?! That would ruin my life and is possibly a deal breaker.
One California bride spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot of energy on declaring her love for her new husband in a YouTube video that Gawker says she pimped out to the Huffington Post. Here’s the description of this vom-inducing declaration of love from YouTube:
“This surprise wedding music video was created for my husband Todd Evan Krieger in Venice Beach, California and unveiled for him at our wedding reception in Santa Fe, New Mexico.”
We should all be so lucky as to find something we love as much as this, but DAMN! Shit like this makes me want to fuck a million husbands and ruin a million marriages. This is why home wreckers do what they do. Love is a helluva drug, especially because it makes you sing out shit like “macchiatos in the hood.”
If I ever love something so much that it makes me sing shit like this on a YouTube video, please kidnap me, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive me to the airport and put me on the next flight going far, far away. Separate me and that thing I love by more than one ocean. It’s for my own good.