“PUPPIES! JUST GIVE ME PUPPIES!!!” was the #1 search term on YouTube yesterday, because hos needed to cleanse their brains after reading the story about how actor type Johnny Lewis (Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy) viciously murdered his 81-year-old landlady, beat two men with a 2×4 and brutally dismembered a cat before falling to his death. If this crazy and fucked up story had opening credits, the opening credits would end with the words “And Special Guest Star XENU!“
TMZ says that Johnny’s father, Michael Lewis, is a bridge queen of Scientology and he reached the church’s highest level by winning 2 out of 3 dance-offs against John Travolta and by beating the video game Destroy All Humans! 2 without using cheats. Johnny, seen above with his ex-piece Katy Perry in 2006, was addicted to the bad shit in a bad way and so his father put him in Scientology’s drug abuse program Narconon. Johnny managed to temporarily kick his craving for DRUGS!!!, because Scientology threatened to make him watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober if he even thought about touching an 8-ball. The Narconon program was so proud of Johnny that they used him as one of their success stories until 48 hours ago when he committed murder while probably high on the wrong shit.
Scientology scrubbed Johnny’s pictures from all of their websites and a rep said that he hasn’t been involved with the church for years.
I’m actually clutching my anal beads out of shock that Scientology acknowledged that Johnny Lewis once existed in their alien fart bubble of a world. I would’ve thought they’d be like, “Who? What? Huh? Don’t be glib!” Right now, Queen David Miscavige is down in the Star Trek bunker underneath the Scientology Centre telling John Travolta the only way to get people to forget that Narconon is a part of this story is to release the Kraken. And yes by “release the Kraken” he means that Johnny’s Scientolohole has to terrorize another massage therapist who will eventually sell his story to The National Enquirer. John Travolta will always take one for the team if it means his itchy, itchy anus gets to make an appearance.