Reese Witherspoon Must Be An Arrested Development (The Hip Hop Group, Not The TV Show) Fan

September 27, 2012 / Posted by:

Somewhere in a labor room in California, Reese Witherspoon birthed out another baby friend as she screamed at a permanently heartbroken RPattz to stop crying sparkly tears on her shoulder already, because bitches are starting to think she’s a raver or works as a stripper at night. Reese put RPattz’s Heartbreak House of WOE on the market to try to get rid of him and he still won’t go away. Anyway…

Another kid gets to say the name “Uncle RPattz,” because Reese gave birth to her third kid and her husband Jim Toth’s first kid, a boy, this morning. That baby is probably all chin and moose knuckle. Reese’s kids with Ryan Phillippe, Ava and Deacon, have names that make them sound like the biggest tattle talers in bible class, but she didn’t keep with that theme when naming her newborn son. Here’s a hint as to what Reese and Jim named their baby boy:

Their rep tells People that they named him: TENNESSEE JAMES TOTH!

Tennessee James sounds like the name of an orphan who was raised by a bunch of wild west wenches after his parents dropped him on the doorstep of a brothel, because they were bandits and the sheriff was after them. Reese grew up in Tennessee, so that’s probably why she gave him the name Tennessee. (Tip: Naming your kid after the place you grew up is never a cute idea.)

I’d totally be all about this name if Reese came out and said she named him after her favorite kinds of booze. Tennessee = Tennessee whiskey and James = Bartles & Jaymes. Naming your kid after booze is the best idea, because you probably drank a lot when you made them and you’re going to need to drink even more to deal with them. Which is why if two bandits ever drop a baby on my doorstep, because they’re running from the law, I will name him Strawberry Hill Andre.

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