Where Do I Pick Up An Application?

September 26, 2012 / Posted by:

File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.

A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.

Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter’s wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he’s willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn’t even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:

“[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work.”

I’ve only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn’t look good on me because it’s too busy for my facial features, but I’m willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I’m convinced she’s a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!

But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee’s The Wedding Banquet. I’ll move into Gigi and Sean’s penthouse and we’ll all pretend our way to millions! I’ll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.

If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I’ll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she’s about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He’ll believe me, this will work and we’ll all be rich!

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