I once worked at a company a million years ago where the owner believed that the best way to run a business was to hire as many of his own blood relatives as possible. The owner had this nephew who dropped out from the University of Phoenix Online (Who in the HELL drops out of the University of Phoenix Online?!), didn’t finish his courses at DeVry and only had “clerk at Kinko’s” on his resume under past employment, so naturally he was made Director of Marketing of the company. Dude really tried to do a good job, but I’ve heard better ideas from a 4-year-old on a sugar high and “awkward” doesn’t begin to describe the presentations he’d give to the entire company. Dude’s presentations were as cringe-worthy as watching your piece try to get it up by furiously fapping with his own saliva while you hug a pillow hoping for it to end.
The whole “nephew of the owner of the company” thing is the first thing I thought of when watching Jaden Smith’s new rap video. FOR WHY?! Jaden is only 14 years old, so he should be snorting bath salts under the bleachers like a normal high school freshmen and not rapping about dating older women who do yoga. My soul is doing the downward NO to that one. This is what happens when a latch key kid has an unlimited allowance and an iPhone contact list full of music industry executives who owe his daddy a favor. If you strapped that video to a heart monitor, the only thing you’d see on the screen is a flat line. Jaden’s voice is monotone as hell. Not to mention that his facial expressions go from “a stoned Doug“ to an “extra smug Dylan McKay.”
First, music gets this song from Jaden Smith and then Andy Williams dies. Music, you can stay under the covers today. It’s not your day. And now for a palate cleanser: