A Texas Officer Pulls Some "I've Got Your Number, Hussy" Shit On Fiona Apple
Above is Fiona "Let's Smoke Out Of A Bong" Apple at a show in Houston Friday night, one day after she was put into handcuffs after cops found a little weed and some hash on her tour bus at an inspection checkpoint. Between songs, Fiona gave the audience classic Fiona Apple when she let out a rambling monologue full of DRAMA. Fiona accused 4 officers of the jail she was kept in of doing some possibly illegal shit. Fiona let them know that at any moment she can set that station on fire with the revelations that will pour of her mouth. Fiona has been watching too much Revenge. Pitchfork transcribed Fiona's entire rant and it really has me wondering if I sound like that after smoking one too many bowls.
"Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and-- I got two lock boxes. We'll call them "holding cell one" and "holding cell two". In "holding cell one" is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In "holding cell two" is the decoder. I'm the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes. So why don't you stay in your fucking holding cell?"
But the Public Information Officer of the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department isn't sitting in the corner of a dark room and shaking at the thought of Fiona destroying him with a bunch of lock boxes of SECRETS! Officer Rusty Fleming fought back at Fiona with an open letter that I swear was ghostwritten by Dionne Warwick. Officer Rusty looked Fiona up and down and basically said she ain't shit. Fiona didn't put a spotlight on Officer Rusty, Officer Rusty put a spotlight on her. Yes, he's coming at her like that. TMZ has the letter and I snapped so much that the skin on my fingers rubbed off:
First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.
Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, -- now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.
Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”
Sincerely
Rusty Fleming
More like QUEEN Rusty Fleming. When he started off with "First, Honey, I'm already more famous than you...." I thought he was going to end with "I took your stash and I'll take YO MAN next, beeeee-otch!" Being an officer in Texas is fun. You get to take people's stash away and smoke it while writing bitch-a-fied letters. I mean, Rusty gave himself away with that "I'm already more famous than you" line. We now know what he did with Fiona's hash.
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Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 3:39pm.
Sorry but the COP is the one that should shut HIS mouth and be the professional not some dopey singer, we expect out celebs to be idiots. "First Honey" " I'm more famous than you!?" Bitch Please sit the fuck down and go back to busting heads on the side of the road!
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THIS
Whenever I hear a man utter the words "Now Sweetie" or "First of All Honey" in that disgustingly misogynistic tone, it is like nails on chalk to me and my inner feminist bursts out like superman out of a phone booth! At which point I don't even care how stupid the object of such derision may have been, in my book any man who has to resort to such crass bullshit is a backward pig.
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"How nice, to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five
this is right up the road from my city (El Paso) and this dude takes his job SERIOUSLY. they inspect every single vehicle that passes through the checkpoint, and as Snoop, Hammer, and others have come to find out, they'll take your drugs and stick you in a smelly cell lol
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 8:18pm.
Met really nice people in Houston, too.
I think I luv ewe! ;-)
Their statements reminded me of a less senile rematch of Madge and Elton in the lone star state.
Yes, Rusty (that name! gotta love texas), you sound like a queen.
To Fiona, bitch please:
1) Po-po can be assholes. We know.
2) If you are gonna call someone out/threaten them, do it properly. All that anonymous "holding cell" shit just makes you look crazy/stupid/juvenile. I've seen 5th graders call out people better than you did.
3) Go buy some hemorrhoid cream since you're so butt hurt. You got shit on you and you get busted, too bad. Get in line with the rest of us.
4) And what did they say/do that you wrote down? That your bangs were ugly? that even after arresting you, they still didnt bother to google you or look you up on YT to listen to any of your music?
Please. Take a seat next to Lohan and Bynes. There is room for you since Billie Joe Armstrong's seat is temporarily empty.
well clearly he cares what fiona apple has to say.
also he should ask someone to proofread before releasing statements with way too many commas.
I think we know which side of the gay marriage debate Queen Rusty is on! Go gurl!...and don't let some washed-up, anorexic singer/barker ruin your good name.
I think she may have taken the songs "Criminal" , "A Mistake" and "The First Taste" a tad too literally.
Having said that, she's so fucking talented, it's literally frightening. Love her. Free Fiona!
Holding cells one and two? Encoding and decoding... on paper?? Wha..???
Holy fucking shit whatever happened to just saying "Fuck you, Pig!"??
Omg that Fleming guy takes himself so seriously, how ANAL! You'd think he had more important things to worry about than addressing comments made during a concert. OLOL Now we know his name and just how petty he is, and he did it all himself! hahaha
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Bizzarelife on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 7:52pm.
Eh, everyone assumes that people from some area will be a "certain way". I have lived in many major cities in this country, and I can tell you that is just not true.
The only place I ever had preconceptions about was Manhattan. I expected them all to be "LOOK I AM BUSY GET THE FUCK OUT MY WAY" but I was proved wrong.
Met really nice people in Houston, too.
Meanwhile, Queen Rusty is a talking wall of fat. He looks like that commercial with the talking pile of mucous, and sounds like Dom Deluise after a buffet bender.
http://youtu.be/gEhJYRhmyWo
I agree with Bizzarelife...just that the assholes get the attention.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Eh, everyone assumes that people from some area will be a "certain way". I have lived in many major cities in this country, and I can tell you that is just not true. In Los Angeles, everyone assumes that most are flaky. Not true. I met some great folks.
Some assume that people in the South are inbred and nuts. NOT true. I have met some of the smartest and kindest individuals there.
It's basically the same all over!
This post; and now officers (what's next, judges and the POTUS??) tweeting comebacks to civilian complaints! *signs up for End.Times.Volunteer
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“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” —Carl Sagan (RIP C.Hitchens, Winehouse, Houston, MCA, Diller, NArmstrong, MCDuncan, TScott) *caprica six was/is here*
Fiona is in my top 10..probably even top 5 list of artist I adore- love, love, love her. That being said ::SNAP:: to the cop, that was hot! If they arrested Willie and lion or whatever Snoop goes by now you better be damn sure you're going to get the same treatment, famous or not. Ego and thinking you're above the law can be a helluva drug, that arrest was a come down and those can be ugly times.
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"that's the first time i had dick in my mouth, and that's the last time i'm going to choke on it.." Dani
They should have added her to death row. Reminds me of the executioner in "Blazing Saddles" : "I can't possibly work in anyone past 10:45! I'm booked solid!" while he has the guy in a wheelchair in the noose on the platform, and the guy's horse in one, too.
I used to see Fiona when I was hanging out at the Largo (original location). This was when she was dating Paul Thomas Anderson. I talked with her a few times, and she once told me I was funny said she hoped I "made it."
I expected her to seem damaged or fragile, but she really seemed pretty normal.
Jesusfuckinchrist, that pathetic lil asswart. Well officer honey, only in your backwater hick dump are you more famous and only there you may tell the citizens - where each and every one is your inbred cousin - to shut up.
--
Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:35pm.
" dipshit gf went there this weekend and even though I begged she didn't bring me one back"
damn. you really did fuck up at that wedding reception, huh?
l.m.f.a.o. ;-D
ETA: Team Austin and San Antonio. and there are some wonderful people in and from TX. it's not border-to-border assholes and -ists. that said, fuck the Cowboys into the deepest pit of hell.
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
"I think she is a fucking genius. I adore her. *gives the finger to all of you who insult my Goddess Fiona*"
Amen.
Sarah Smile
GreatOne, even though she is not "musical", Fiona OFTEN says she is influenced by Maya Angelou.
The woman was raped at age 12, and has struggled with depression her whole life. i cut her some slack. many geniuses are emotionally tortured.
And once again, SHE NEVER SAID SHE WAS WRONGFULLY ARRESTED, AND SAID SHE WAS TREATED NICELY BU MOST OF THE COPS.
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Sitting on the bed
Or lying wide awake
There's demons in my head
And it's more than I can take
CokeyPoke - if I went by "best by xxxxxxx" dates I would STARVE!
PS - you had me at "I will bed you"
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
JackieBitch,
RIGHT?! I have dated men who are so damn girly they go by "best eaten" by dates like scripture. I will bed you, I will feed you, I will make you feel like aa man, but dont make me feel like an idiot for your insecurities. I know how long food is ok in the xar.
Or, Jack: ICE!!!!
I remember reading an interview with her years ago where she was asked who her musical influences were and claimed she had NO MUSICAL INFLUENCES whatsover, just her own creativity.
Uh-huh. Well, that type of self-absorbed, narcissistic rhetoric may explain why all of her crap sounds the same: non-melodious and droning. I've always been intrigued with artists' backgrounds and influences...any musician who denies having any influences at all and claims that their music was basically created in a vacuum, is either completely un-aware, uneducated, insincere or clinically sociopathic.
COP: 1
APPLE: 0
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Too big to fail
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:54pm.
I may throw up
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by CindyBman on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:49pm.
Don't get me started on the heat/humidity in Houston. *side eyes guest and SDR* It seems I always have to spend a week there in the middle of fucking July. *HATE*
lol about T town and the gheys... true.
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Thanks for the great conversations. Gonna' sign off now. You all are awesome.
Oh, BURN!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
*spits up chai tea* MANI!!!!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
If there's one thing to be jealous of, it's the Texas State Fair.
On the refined menu this year, fried pop tarts covered in fruity pebbles.
Must have
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:39pm.
It's no Whataburger!
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Oh. Well, shit. Then it's not that big of a deal then. Whataburger is some good shit, fo sho, and their breakfast sammiches rock, but we've got better burger than Whataburger here... coupld of dive joints you can't even go in and sit down... like a damn snowcone shack converted in to Heaven's gates that sell the basket special: orgasm on a bun with seasoned fries. The only reason I even know about them is because of MK... lol gf is still an ass.
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:51pm.
Well that too! ;)
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
MJT: Saw " dreams of #8" and all my skank mind saw was "dreams of 8 inches"
Imma be in dallas friday night til sat noon
My sister lives in Tejas so I know all bout the weed rules, I find them absurd since nyc is so different
I never smoked it but most of my friends do
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:45pm.
And I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I am NO OKIE!! *spits* I'm in West Central AR...
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My apologies, sir. *flips off OK* (used to live there tho. SUPER religious but with a HUGE gay population in Tulsa. How does that work??)
You must hate going to Houston -- not because of the city -- THE HUMIDITY. My God. I have never experienced anything like it anywhere else.
CokeyHO - "she's on notice..."
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You ain't tellin me nuthin I don't already know, sistah!!! Her not bringing me back a burger (she ate there on the way home, I was on the phone with her WHILE SHE WAS THERE) was the final nail handed to me to place in her fucking coffin... I'm waiting to drive it in (heeeyyyyyyy).
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
hahaha...guess it's true: "Don't mess with Texas"....seriously, the cop and Fiona sound like they are a match made in heaven! Both full of themselves and don't know when to shut up and walk away
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:39pm.
In N Out is aight. It's no Whataburger!
I think Whataburger is the only burger in the whole wide world that comes thisclose to beating in-n-out.
But In N Out still wins! :P
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
MeFunGirl---I'm going with you are real purty!
and some of those Ohio boys turn out to be fine
men. I know:) but then some of them are AHoles.
Sorry you got an AH:(
Dr. Pepper, Whattaburger. Good stuff. And "the Fried". What was it? Two years ago at the State Fair (starts next week) Fried Butter was the winning food entry. This years it's a fried jambalaya. There was deep fried PBJs (amazing) and Chicken Fried Bacon. Fried Twinkies and Snickers are sooo 2002.
Submitted by CindyBman on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:32pm.
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:19pm.
I want to address that Honey and Sweetie in the letter. Some of you seem to take that as some women hating term. Trust me, for the most part its just Southerners being southern. Now in this cunt-off it may not be, but you get called honey and sweetie here so much, you just learn to like it.
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A woman calls my Honey or Sweetie, I find it endearing. When a man says it, especially with a tone of superiority, I get pissed. No, no and no.
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My brother called me out on that once, my penchant for calling women hon, sometimes sweetie. I don't mean anything by it, it's just an endearment. I never do it condescendingly, any woman who sees it that way just has an issue about it IMO.
Besides, any complaints I'll just tell 'em I'm from Balmer. HOW 'BOUT DEM OOOOOO'S HON?
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
Submitted by CindyBman on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:38pm.
I travel to Dallas and Houston (and every damn one of both their suburbs) several times a year. I can make it home in 4 1/2 hours from downtown D... 4 hours if I drive with no regard for the law (aka every time I drive).
And I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I am NO OKIE!! *spits* I'm in West Central AR...
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
SHUT UP AND SING
*followed by a hail of bullets*
What she really needs is a good defense...'cause she's feeling like a criminal.
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MJT: my sissy lives in Austin (tejas lite) & I love it so much; Jack: as long as it doesnt creep or smell, eat!- she's on notice...
pushy broad, it was one of those wild college age weekends back in the days of hussongs.
I'm surprised we made it home, I have to say though, the car came home with damage we don't remember happening.
foxxy, maybe he just thought I was purty?
you're probably right though, the driver was my mistake of a first husband, a good ol' boy from Ohio.
or, maybe he was just a nice guy, or lazy.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:39pm.
*wears muu-muu*
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Not going to lie: I loves me a muu-muu. Went to Hawaii this summer, wanted a muu-muu. How could the island of muu-muu invention be so muu-muu poor? Found one muu-muu place and they were all polyester, icky, hot muu-muu's. God, typing muu-muu is fun!
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:39pm.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. You are so right.... Whataburger is the shit. I didn't think In and Out was THAT great. *dreams of #8 from Whataburger with a dr pepper* mmmmmmmmmmm.
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 09/24/2012 - 4:39pm.
It's no Whataburger!
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I miss those so much. They used to be as big as a dinner plate (or so it seemed).
ETA: and Julio chips...
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Why don't you dance with me? I'm not no limburger.
Jacko, totally depends where you live in Dallas, but in relation to other urban areas, it's still lower. Trust me, I've been looking!
In N Out is aight. It's no Whataburger!