Hot Slut Of The Day!

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, my brain forgets that it’s been over 20 years since the 80s ended and I have the urge to go to the refrigerator and pull out the Coke (we called everything Coke even when it wasn’t Coke) I saved from my field trip the day before. My mom never let us regularly fill our eatin’ holes with junk food, but when it was field trip day, she’d make us a special lunch and drop a can of sodie pop in there. Because drinking delicious drops of liquid sugar heaven was like a rare religious experience for me, I didn’t want to do it while surrounded by a bunch of little bitches from school, so I’d save it to drink by myself later. All my senses need to focus on that special moment and I wasn’t going to let some screaming brats ruin that. My mom would usually let us pick out which kind of soda we wanted and I’d usually pick the pineapple orange nectar from heaven: Cactus Cooler.

Cactus Cooler was invented by the gods in the 1960s and it’s still sort of around today. You can buy it online and they still sell it in some grocery stores, mostly in Southern California. I’ve never seen it here in NYC, but if I have I thought it was just a mirage and forgot all about it. You know, I really wish the legal drinking age in California in the 80s was 8-years-old, because I can only imagine the somersaults my insides would’ve done while drinking Cactus Cooler with Bacardi. I would’ve been an 8-year-old alca-and-cactus-holic.

One of the most disappointing things that has ever happened to me was when I cut open a piece of a neighbor’s cactus and Cactus Cooler didn’t pour out of it. I really thought this would happen. I bet this happens in the desert in heaven. And yes, that disappointing moment happened last week.