Amanda Bynes took a break from pouring out her deepest thoughts to inanimate objects and spending hours secretly plotting the demise of Disney in a clothing store dressing room to call up People and tell them that she’s doing aaaaaaah-maaaaay-zing even though she’s one crazy step away from waving her exposed clit at cars on the streets of San Diego. As Amanda’s father tries to find out if she’s actually a Lohan by sneaking into the last stall in a Long Island bathroom to collect a drop of whiskey-infused drool trickling down a passed out White Oprah’s chin, Amanda mixed up a bitchplease-tini by stirring together equal parts denial and delusion:
“I’m doing amazing. I am retired as an actor. I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line. I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don’t drink, and I don’t drink and drive. It is all false.”
Yeah, my guess is that “amazing” is a new street drug that’s basically weed cut with bath salts.
The world would be a much prettier place if a lot of hos walked around wearing fur face masks by Amanda Bynes, but if TMZ is telling the truth, she should probably move into the bottom bunk under LeAnn Rimes at that spa pretending to be a treatment center instead of moving to NYC. Because TMZ says that on Tuesday night at Equinox in West Hollywood, Amanda did this during spin class:
Gym sources tell us, Amanda was attending a 50-minute spin class at Equinox when she suddenly stopped participating in the class and aimlessly walked around looking to switch bikes.
Once Amanda found a replacement — closer to the room’s giant mirror — we’re told Amanda started cycling again, but removed her top, revealing a “tiny black strapless push up bra … not a sports bra.”
Roughly 25 minutes into the class, we’re told Amanda stopped cycling again — this time to pick up her Louis Vuitton purse … and reapply her makeup.
According to sources, the actress was doing her makeup — lipstick, eyeliner, the whole shebang — for ten full minutes before the instructor grew furious and told her to get out, claiming he couldn’t BELIEVE someone was doing makeup in the middle of his spin class.
Amanda then left the room and the class continued.
But really, the spin class fuckery isn’t even that weird to me. I’ve never been in a spin class, but if I ever did take one, I’d do the same exact shit. Except instead of touching up my beauty I’d be eating two McDonald’s cheeseburgers while looking at porn on my iPhone, because even thinking about burning calories is tiring work.
With all that being said, I’m still waiting for the moment when we find out this is just another elaborate performance art production from the mind of Casey Affleck.