Robsten Is 4EVA Unbroken, So Says People Magazine

The parents of hardcore Twihards can finally tell their children’s pediatrician to take them out of the induced coma they begged to be put in so they didn’t have to deal with the heartache of knowing that RPattz is no longer painting KStew’s eyelids with his sparkly peen cream. (That’s what on her eyelids, right?) Both People and UsWeekly say that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reunited this past weekend in L.A. after two months of not seeing each other’s faces in person. Flood warnings have just been issued in Britain, because as soon as Nutty Madam reads about this, tapioca panty pudding will fill the streets. Put on your Wellies!

One source told People that they’re probably going to get back together and some other source told UsWeekly that their reunion was really dramatic. I’m sure it was REALLY dramatic. It was as dramatic as watching an overcooked penne noodle have “TAKE ME BACK” sex with a plastic bottle full of body glitter. No, I’m sure it happened like this: KStew knocked on RPattz’s door, asked him, “So dude, do you want to, like, be boyfriend and girlfriend again, or whatever?” and when he shook his head yes, she lifted up her arm and his mouth had make-up sex with her queso-covered pit. I should totally stretch out that run-on sentence into a full-fledged fan fiction series and call it 50 Shades of Kristen Stewart’s Pit Queso.

But seriously….

The heart wants what the heart wants and what I mean by that is the marketing team at Summit Entertainment wants what the marketing team at Summit Entertainment wants.