Because Lindsay Lohan had to remind everyone that she’s the original fuck up, she got put into handcuffs at 2:30 this morning in NYC after she allegedly hit a 30-year-old dude with her Porsche Cayenne. When you hit someone with your car, you (who I’m assuming doesn’t have White Oprah genes and brains made of coagulated coke balls) check to see if the dude is alright, give him a swig from the flask you keep between your titties and then scream for an ambulance if his ass needs one. But when Blohan hits a dude, she makes her passenger check to see if her SUV has any gross blood stains or whatever on it and then she just sashays into her hotel, because there’s a line of the bad shit waiting for her in her room and she doesn’t want it to get cold (or she didn’t want to keep her john waiting). Let’s all lubricate our tonsils with liquid caffeine and scream together now: THIS BITCH! The worst part of waking up is LiLo fucking up.
TMZ says that LiLo was trying to park her Porsche Cayenne near the Dream Hotel at around 12:30 this morning when she ran into the dude’s knee. After LiLo ignored the dude and walked into the Dream Hotel, someone called the police. The Police put the freckled terror in handcuffs as soon as she walked out of the hotel two hours later. The dumbass was booked for leaving the scene of an accident and she was later released without having to pay bail. The cops gave her a desk appearance ticket. Surprisingly, the police don’t believe that the sweet nectar was running through her veins when she nearly took a bitch out. The victim was taken to the hospital to be checked out, but he had no visible injuries.
LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace, so this latest act of dumb fuckery could get her a ticket back to court in L.A.
In related news, Amanda Bynes, SpongeBob and the rest of the Nickelodeon gang were seen outside of the hospital giving the victim a stack of money and thanking him for a job well done. That’s what bitch gets for fucking with SpongeBob.
Mickey Mouse: ZERO!
And when asked for a comment, White Oprah said:
“This would’ve never happened if she was in New York!”
“But White Oprah, this happened in New York.”
“….Your shoes look silly!”