Shakira announced on her Facebook page today that yes, she wrapped herself around Pique’s torta peen and the two made a fetus together that is now living in her uterus, which looks exactly like the sparkly cave in the She-Wolf video. Shakira didn’t say how long her fetus has been in there or if it should take some Dramamine pills so it doesn’t get all dizzy in the head when she’s chair spinning on The Voice, but she’s knocked up enough to cancel a few appearances. Shakira had this to say and I’m also pasting the Spanish translation, because I’m GOOPY Paltrow and you’re Apple Martin and you’re only allowed to read pregnancy announcements in Spanish:
As some of you may know, Gerard and I are very happy awaiting the arrival of our first baby! At this time we have decided to give priority to this unique moment in our lives and postpone all the promotional activities planned over the next few days.
This means I will not be able to be a part of the iHeartRadio Music Festival, but I’m sure this weekend in Las Vegas will be spectacular and I will be closely following everything that happens there!
I’d like to thank Clear Channel and my fans for their constant love and understanding.
And will see you very soon!
Como muchos de uds saben, Gerard y yo estamos muy felices esperando la llegada de nuestro primer bebé.
En esta ocasión hemos decidido darle prioridad a este momento único en nuestras vidas y es por esto que hemos decidido postergar las actividades promocionales de los próximos días.
Agradezco a mis fans por el cariño y la comprensión de siempre y estoy segura que este fin de semana en Las Vegas será espectacular, estaré siguiendo muy de cerca el concierto de iHeartRadio y todo lo que pase allí.
Un beso muy grande,
Nos vemos pronto!
But will Shakira’s breasts stay small and humble so we don’t confuse them with mountains?! That’s the only thing I want to know. Other than that, I’ll be in the corner making a crib mobile for Shakira’s kid using pictures of its daddy making hand love with another dude while trapped in a heart-shaped bubble of preciousness. Because nothing is more soothing than footballer-on-footballer love.