The Flying Tomato Busted For Pulling A Charlie Sheen

Okay, this is some Charlie Sheen shit, but without the mountains of coke (I think) and the traumatized porn star locked in the bathroom (I think, again). It really is hard going through life knowing that you’ll always be known as the less hot Carrot Top and Olympic gold medal-winning snowboarder Shaun White obviously let that get to him, because he lost his mind at the bottom of a booze bottle before trashing his hotel room in Nashville. Shaun White not only looks like he’s been training his whole life to be a Rock of Ages extra,  but he acts like it too. Before you make one of those “Watch out, we’ve got a badass over here” jokes, you haven’t seen Shaun tussle with a floor lamp. Yes, the floor lamp probably won that fight, but I’m sure Shaun got in at least one slap to the shade.

TMZ says that after the secret toilet baby of Ann Romano and Schneider from One Day at a Time drunkenly messed up his hotel room, he pulled a few fire alarms (because why not). When Shaun tried to leave the hotel, a dude from the hotel caught him outside and tried to stop him. Shaun kicked the dude and ran away, but because the boomerang known as karma sometimes works real fast, he knocked his head into a fence and got a black eye. Bitch got taken down by a fence! The cops showed up and put Shaun in handcuffs for vandalism and public intoxication.

Two words: GINGER BUFFOONERY!

If the government really does have hidden cameras on every corner, can they please unite this nation in laughs by releasing the footage of Shaun getting whooped by a fence? Next to seeing a fat biker dude with neck tattoos openly reading Fifty Shades Freed (which tells me he read the first two books and LOVED them) on the subway, seeing Shaun knocking his head into a fence will be the greatest thing I’ve seen this month. That fence should get a gold medal in douche handling.