The Cops Finally Take Away Amanda Bynes’ Death Machine, Lindsay Delusionhan Is Not Impressed
Amanda Bynes’ bumper car adventures are over…until she eventually puts on her favorite disguise (they call her Sneaky McCobijaFace) to carjack a Disney star and continue to toke her face off to terrorize the streets of Los Angeles in the name of her satanic overlords at Nickelodeon. (More on that Nickelodeon vs. Disney in a second.)
Bumper Car Mandy was driving through Burbank at around 9:30 yesterday morning when the cops pulled her over. TMZ doesn’t say why they pulled her over, but I’m sure it had something to do with weed smoke pouring out of her exhaust pipe and screams coming from the bicyclist who clung to her hood after she hit him and kept on driving. The cops ran her drivers license, found out she’s a menace to the streets and put her BMW in car jail.
Amanda’s friends and families are probably concerned that her partner in terror, her black BMW, was ripped from her hands, because now that she REALLY has nothing to do, she’s going to come over, smoke all of their good shit, hit on their refrigerators and have seriously intense conversations with their coffee table about how the refrigerator over there is a frigid bitch and refused to give her its number. But wait, TMZ says that Amanda is telling her friends that she’s not fucking crazy in the brains and she’s not a stoner. Amanda wasn’t smoking weed in her car, she was smoking tobacco out of a one-hitter that is pretty much only used to smoke weed out of. Yes, this crazy bitch wants us all to believe that she was smoking tobacco. Bitch should’ve went all the way and said she was smoking oregano and inhaling oregano smoke, because she read in Gourmet Magazine that tacos from Baja Fresh taste so much better with a thick layer of oregano-infused farts on them. (Yes, this is your cue to bring up the image of Amanda Bynes farting on a Baja Fresh taco.)
And now for that Nickelodeon vs. Disney foolery. After Nickelodeon’s greatest fuck-up got her car impounded, Disney’s greatest fuck-up shaded her on Twitter with the above tweet of grand delusion. Let’s see, Amanda Bynes got charged with 1 DUI and 2 hit-and-runs, and her case hasn’t been heard by a judge yet, so she’s never been convicted of anything yet. Lindsay Lohan has been convicted of DUI, has at least a million probation violations, is a certified jewel thief and almost murdered a kid in a stroller. And the amount of time it took me to write that last sentence is twice as long as the total amount of time Lindsay Lohan has spent in a jail cell.
I’m just going to go ahead and assume that LiLo queefed out that tweet as a distraction. Everybody was too busy laughing at that insane tweet that they didn’t notice LiLo breaking into the impound lot and sneaking into Amanda’s BMW to vacuum up all the weed crumbs in there. Well played, you dumb bitch.
Or maybe this is just the first shot fired in the Nickelodeon vs. Disney war. Spongebob and Mickey better Vaseline up their faces and sharpen their shanks, because the battle has begun. I’m sure President Obama will hold an emergency press conference to state where he stands in this highly important national war.