Hot Slut Of The Day!

Mimi, La Bruja’s confidante and lady-in-waiting on The Real Housewives of Miami.

RHOA came back for a second season Thursday night (but my ass didn’t get to watch until yesterday) and it is so scripted, so fake and the acting is so terrible it makes telenovelas look like documentaries on life in the Latino community. Just like the first season, the only reason to watch that mess is to feed your soul with the waves of spiritual enlightenment and shards of broken moon glass shooting out of La Bruja’s “portals to the universe” eyes. (Fun fact: If you stare deep into La Bruja’s eyes long enough, you can almost make out the crystallized sugar walls of Walter Mercado’s colon. Yes, they’re connected.) This season, La Bruja brought along an equally as hot sidekick, her devoted housekeeper Mimi.

Not only does Mimi take care of La Bruja’s every need including slathering her face with the thick nipple syrup of a leopard to keep her skin from sliding off, but Mimi also serenades her with a beautiful lullaby to soothe her frazzled nerves. On the first episode, that gato-looking faced selfish puta monster Marysol Patton entered La Bruja’s lair and stressed out the most beautiful blossom in Floria by not agreeing with everything she said. (Seriously, who doesn’t agree with EVERYTHING La Bruja says?) Upsetting her daughter stressed La Bruja out so much that the inside/out Rocky Dennis mask on her head almost popped off. Mimi stopped this from happening by putting La Bruja into a trance with a gorgeous lullaby:

Just turn RHOM into The Mimi & La Bruja Show already! We need more touching moments where Mimi’s nightingale voice puts La Bruja into such a calm state that she looks like a slow simmering turkey meatball with droopy eyes. THIS is love.