I’m probably not going to watch Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic, because if I want to learn more about old timey American history, I’ll just play another round of The Oregon Trailer on my Apple II. But if you’re going to see it, please clap during the end credits when you see the words: “All Gorgeous Wigs Furnished By Shh! It’s A Wig.” Because the Ogilvie Home Perm extravaganza on Tommy Lee Jones’ head tell me that Shh! It’s A Wig had a hand or two in it. If you put a clear plastic shower cap over his wig and threw a floral house dress on his body, he’d look like somebody’s grandma going to water the driveway in the morning. Or like he’s about to sing “I Dreamed A Dream” on Britain’s Got Talent. What I’m saying is that bitch looks hot.
The full trailer for Lincoln (Working Title: If You Don’t Give Us All The Oscars, You Hate America) is below and some people are crying about how Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t sound like Lincoln-ey enough, but I’m more mad that Bill & Ted are nowhere in the trailer and that Steven Spielberg didn’t release this a million years ago, because it’d be the perfect movie to nap to when my American History teacher plays it during class.
Lincoln pretty much stars everyone from Sally Field (who is always grabbing people by the arms to give them really a intense pep talk) to Joseph Gordon-Levitt to David Strathairn to Lee Pace to Jackie Earle Haley to Jared Harris to James Spader to Hal Holbrook to Gloria Reuben to Adam from Girls. I’m calling it right now. The scene they’ll show at the Oscars for the Best Picture clip is the scene where Adam from Girls pees on Lincoln in the communal shower.