Open Post: The “Real-Life Popeye”

September 13, 2012 / Posted by:

The Daily Mail is calling this dude “the real-life Popeye,” but the important subject of “cartoon muscles” obviously wasn’t taught at the highly respected university they got their journalism degrees from, because Popeye’s forearms looked like overstuffed empanadas, not his biceps. How dare they do Popeye like that.

Meet 24-year-old Moustafa Ismail, an Egyptian dude who moved his entire family to America five years ago, because we have the workout equipment needed to make his arms look like a skinny snake that just swallowed Jon Hamm’s grapefruit-sized nutsack. Moustafa’s 31-inch biceps just earned him a Guinness World Record for having the bulgiest of bulging biceps. Moustafa also earned another Guinness World Record for being the only human to wear the same shirt for 5 years straight, because he can’t take that shit off!

You and I say that Moustafa’s tumor ass-looking biceps are obviously pregnant with pounds of Fix-A-Flat and synthol, but he claims his arms got like that from working out at least a total of 6 hours a day and filling his eating hole daily with 3 pounds of protein, two gallons of water and three liters of shakes.   If Mama June ever passes out on Honey Boo Boo, just whistle for Moustafa, because he can lift 500 pounds.

Because I’m me, my first thought was: Can this bitch even do the Macarena?! Friends don’t let friends fill their biceps with so much oil that they can’t do the Macarena at a wedding reception! My second thought was that there’s no way I’d ever hit this, because every time I looked at his misshapen arms, I’d be too afraid that an alien baby was about to hatch out of one and ask me if I’m its mommy. Nothing makes your ass lips shrivel faster like an alien baby asking you if it’s your mommy.

Okay, who am I fooling? I’d still hit it.

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