Countdown to Vanessa Minnillo’s “HOW I GOT MAH BODEEEEEEE BACK!” cover of Life & Style.
For some reason, I always forget that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson never made a baby together. Maybe it’s because I want to believe that right before they quit each other they had a surprise love child who Jessica unknowingly gave birth to into a toilet. Then Papa Joe snatched up that secret love child and gave it to the maternal Georgia peach known as Mama June. That love child grew up to be America’s sweetheart Honey Boo Boo Chile!!!! Honey Boo Boo does have Jessica’s palate, so this makes sense. As far as we know, though, Nick and Jessica never spawned together, but now they both have their own baby with other hos.
Nick Lachey’s wife of a year, Vanessa Minnillo, popped out a baby boy last night and they pushed out this statement to People afterward:
“We are incredibly proud to announce the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Camden John Lachey. Born today at 6:54 p.m., he came into this world at 8 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches. Love has truly been redefined for both of us.”
I’m punching myself in the bone helmet covering my brain for knowing this, but Kristin Calamariswhatever from The Hills also named her kid Camden. Camdens are taking over the world. Camden as a first name doesn’t totally make my eyes roll to the side, but “Camden John” sounds like the nickname Amy Winehouse gave her toilet. But congratulations to Camden John who will get dozens of jealous looks from the other babies when his father breastfeeds him in the park. I mean, Nick totally holds more leche in his titty sacks than Vanessa does.
And brace yourselves for the eventual 2032 People cover that will read: “Newlyweds 2.0! Maxwell Drew Johnson & Camden John Lachey MARRIED!” We should start drinking now.