They’re Trying To Remake Heathers Again

Because Hollywood (and now Bravo) just can’t let our dead gay classics rest in peace, they’re still trying to pull Heathers out of its beautiful grave and fuck it gently with a chainsaw by remaking it. Over three years ago, I shed a single tear as Hollywood pulled my dick (not in a sexy way) by announcing they were rebooting Heathers and now Bravo is pulling it harder by saying they’re turning Heathers into a damn fucking TV SHOW!

The Hollywood Reporter (via Vulture) says that Bravo and The Big C’s Jenny Bicks are redeveloping Heathers into a scripted TV show that they hope will terrorize our screens next year. We all know that Veronica went to college in London, got kicked out after she had an affair with a professor, moved to NYC and published a few of her own zines before giving up on writing to spend her days throwing lit matches at people from the stoop of her Brooklyn apartment building, but Bravo has other ideas about what happened to her. This is what they think:

In the updated take, Heathers picks up 20 years later, with Veronica (Ryder’s character) returning home to Sherwood with her teenage daughter, who must contend with the next generation of mean girls: the Ashleys: the daughters of the surviving Heathers.

Yes, that is what it feels like when somebody shits in your eyes. That is awful and since this is Bravo, we already know what the cast list is going to look like:

Veronica: Heather Dubrow from The Real Housewives of Orange County
Veronica’s daughter: That girl from Gallery Girls who sort of looks like a slow Clara Bow
Ashley 1: Gia Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Ashley 2: Andy Cohen in a blond wig
Ashley 3: The slutty singer chick who saved Aviva’s stupid party by being a mess
Martha Dumptruck: Cousin Rosie from The Real Housewives of New Jersey

In other words: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOO!