Here’s WhatsHisName (the “B” on his hat stands for Bellboy Bitch) following his Truvia Mama (she’s off sugar this week) Jessica Simpson as she makes her way through LAX last night and tries to stop gossiping whores from talking about what’s hiding behind that floral muumuu by mesmerizing them with her vitamin D-filled chichi balls. Chestica is back in L.A. after spending a few days in NYC talking about her weight, talking about her weight, talking about her weight and testing out the new Spanx designed by NASA.
This generation’s Kirstie Alley continued to give Weight Watchers their money’s worth by telling UsWeekly exactly how she lost over 40 pounds in 4 months. Chestica did it like this:
7am – Jessica gets up, sticks one end of a straw over her nipple, sticks the other end in Maxwell’s mouth and safely feeds her baby without worrying about baby suffocating in her gigantic titty domes. She then eats half a Flatout flatbread sandwich with egg whites, peppers and fat-free cheddar (6 PointsPlus) for breakfast.
8am – Jessica straps on her pedometer (not to be confused with human pedometer Chris Hansen) and goes for a walk with her piece and Maxwell. Jessica tries to walk at least 14,000 steps a day. A snack of berries, bananas or grapefruit (0 PointsPlus) goes into Jessica’s mouth afterward.
11am – Four days a week, Jessica works with a personal trainer and does cardio and some weight-training stuff (aka lifts and drops her 2 ton boob balls a dozen times) for 45 minutes.
12:30pm – If it’s Wednesday, Jessica weighs in with her mom and friends. If Jessica is wearing a skirt or dress during weigh in, she has to kick Papa Joe’s head off the scale before she steps on it.
1pm – Jessica eats her biggest meal of the day. No, I’m talking about her piece’s peen, because you know that’s not a big meal. It’s probably like 1 PointPlus IF THAT. Jessica eats lunch, which is usually spinach salad with 4 ounces of chicken satay and pear (8 PointsPlus).
2pm – Jessica takes Maxwell for another walk or walks on the treadmill. Jessica sucks down a berry smoothie (3 PointsPlus) afterward.
6:30pm – She puts Maxwell to bed and then eats a dinner of: fish (4 ounces of halibut or tilapia) with roasted eggplant, broccoli or asparagus (6 PointsPlus). And for dessert? Skinny Cow chocolate truffle bars (3 PointsPlus).
10pm – Jessica gives her paid piece his daily allowance, pulls down her bed comforter, screams at Papa Joe to take his drunk ass home and then she goes mimi times.
You know, I was going to write my own daily routine, but there’s not much to it. I get up, fill the trough next to my laptop with coffee, Totino’s pizza rolls, a variety of cookies, Carnation Instant Breakfast powder and Easy Mac. Then I stick my head in there while I type the word “fuck” over and over again. I get my exercise by walking to the refrigerator and opening it to see if anything new popped in there since the last time I checked (5 minutes ago).
And not only is Chestica losing chunk from Weight Watchers, but she’s also learning how to count! A double win.