It only took Snooki a grand total of 6 days to push her newborn guidoling onto the cover of a magazine and Giuliana and Bill Rancic didn’t beat her record, but they still didn’t waste any time. Just two weeks after a leased baby oven birthed out Giuliana and Bill’s first kid in Denver, the two collected that check by debuting Edward Duke to those who care on the cover of Life & Style. Guess what? Edward Duke looks just like a baby. Since most just-out-of-the-womb humans are a little Benjamin Button-ish in the face for the first few weeks, Edward Duke looks like my abuelita taking a 4pm nap. And just like my abuelita, he’s got his slappin’ hand ready just in case he needs to smack a brat who tries to wake him.
Giuliana said that they named their son Edward after both of their fathers and gave him the middle name Duke, because it means “leader” and because if he ever wants to be the captain of a New England university lacrosse team, he’ll have the name for it. Giuliana then said a bunch of words parents usually say to celebrity magazines after their kid is born:
“I had always heard that when you have a baby it completes your life — and it’s true. I’d never changed more than a diaper or two in my life. Now it’s like the littlest things that make me happy — happier than I’ve ever been. I couldn’t believe that all those years of struggling and the tears actually paid off. Every shot, every doctor’s visit — in the end, when you’re holding your baby in your arms, you forget it all, and it’s worth it.”
I know all newborns always keep their tiny eyes closed, but methinks Edward Duke is keeping his tiny eyes closed something extra. Because he knows that if he opens them up, he’ll be blinded by the bright white shininess shooting off of his parents’ 200 watt veneers. Can’t they turn those TEEFS down? Edward is trying to sleep. Or Edward Duke could be keeping his eyes shut, because he doesn’t want to open them and see that vomit-inducing Tommy Girl blurb.
And Giuliana and Bill will be hearing from Scientology’s lawyers, because Kelly Preston totally has the phrase “miracle baby” trademarked.