Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds Secretly Got Married In South Carolina Last Night

Right before I passed out face first into my pillow last night, I read a mass e-mail from People that said Blake NotSoLively mumbled out wedding vows to talking eight-pack Ryan Reynolds at their wedding at Boone Hall Plantation in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina on Sunday. Then sometime during the night I had a dream/nightmare about a sex tape starring James Franco and a bunch of Plushies in Pound Puppy costumes. When I woke up this morning, I thought the James Franco getting a beej from Plushies story was real and that I dreamed up Blake and Ryan’s wedding, because how is it possible for her to get engaged and married without whoring out every single detail for maximum attention. But she did! Down in the Scientology glory hole dungeon, Tommy Girl is wiping away the tears on a hard dick, because it’s always a sad day when a beard temporarily retires from the bearding game.

NYDN says that Blake’s friend Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine and Bette Midler both sang songs at the reception in a white tent on the plantation. Blake wore a Chanel gown, Ryan wore Hugo Boss, their $3,000 cake was made by Maryland’s Maggie Austin Cakes and they flew in the minister from Connecticut. All 70 of Blake and Ryan’s guests had to check in their cell phones at the door. Blake’s publicist hasn’t confirmed any of this, because she’s still in a coma after passing out when Blake said “no” to the question, “So you want to get married at the altar on the ho stroll in front of a thousand paps, right?”

We all found out the answer to the question “What’s blander than a piece of boiled cauliflower sitting in a puddle of cold tap water?” about a year ago when Blake and Ryan started humping after meeting while filming The Green Lantern. 25-year-old Blake hasn’t been married before, but 35-year-old Ryan was once married to that other blonde mumbler with huge chichis, ScarJo.

And I really hope that halfway through the wedding ceremony, the minister stopped talking, all spotlights focused on the back of the tent and every wedding guest turned their chair around to look at this vision strolling in:

Robyn Lively always finds a way to TOP THAT!