For once, I’m not talking about Jessica Simpson’s ass. I’m talking about that humongous as the stuffed bowels of hell bag. It’s the Nicki Minaj’s ass of purses. Chestica showed all of us a trick as she strutted through LAX yesterday: If you want to look skinnier, just carry the fattest bag on the planet. Hos will be too distracted from screaming “Look at that fat ass bag! What a fat ass bag!” to look you up and down and analyze your actual ass. Oh, and also wear sunglasses that are bigger than Nancy Grace’s areolas.
After losing more chunk than Ashlee Simpson lost when she chopped off half of her nose, Chestica is in NYC to go on Katie Couric’s talk show and show everyone what happened when Weight Watchers waves a $4 million check in her face. You’re looking at one of the last moments Jessica is breathing in oxygen through her mouth and nose. Because right before she goes on Katie Couric’s show, Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she’ll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie’s show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she’ll be sucked in so tight that she won’t be able to move her mouth so she’ll have to communicate by blinking.