Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 8, 2012 / Posted by:

By now, some of you (Side note: Thanks to everybody who dropped this into my inbox) have already memorized this open letter, recited it into Garage Band and turned it into a dance remix which you blasted in your living room while drunkenly dancing around with an empty bottle of vodka. But for those of you who haven’t read it yet, let me quickly tell your ass how this beautiful and hilarious work of poetry from Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe came to be. So, last week Brendon Ayanbadejo, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, spoke for marriage equality, because you know, the First Amendment allows him to open up his mouth and say things he wants to say. Well, Emmert C. Burns Jr., a democrat in the Maryland House of Delegates, didn’t like this and so he wet farted out a letter to the owner of the Baltimore Ravens where he basically said, “Stop the children-ruining words of sin from coming out of your player’s dark-sided talk trap by shoving a Bible in there.

Chris Kluwe, who’s spoken out for same-sex marriage several times, wasn’t having any of Mr. Burns’ letter and wrote an open letter to that gay marriage-hating ho on Deadspin. Politics aside, I think most of us can appreciate a football player using the glorious phrase “lustful cockmonster” in an open letter to a politician type. The full letter is here (if you haven’t already read it and tattooed it to your back), but below is my favorite part:

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

YAAASSS! Dude just gave that Mr. Burns bitch a KLUWE and then some. (You can GONG me for that shittier than usual joke, but you shouldn’t, because you should be too busy slow clapping for the use “lustful cockmonster” and “totally lacking in empathy piehole.“)

And since we’re all a pack of lustful cockmonsters here, shirtless pictures of Chris Kluwe do exist on the Internet. Congratulations to all us lustful cockmonsters!

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