Crazed Stalker Tries To Break Into Miley Cyrus’ House (And No, It Wasn’t Billy Ray)

Miley Cyrus wasn’t home early this morning, but somebody staying at her house (aka Billy Ray Cyrus who was just there to color coordinate her panties in her panty drawer and was totally not there to sniff them or anything) called the police after a bald, crazed crazy with scissors in his hand jumped over her wall. Only a crazy bitch with insanity flowing through his brains would jump over Miley’s wall, because you don’t know what could be waiting for you on the other side.

Trace Cyrus could be there, waiting to charge at you, kick you in the gut with his sharpened hoove or eat your clothes. Noah Cyrus could be there, waiting to show you the pole dancing routine she’s been practicing all day. Tish Cyrus could be there, waiting to freak you out with her droopy anime horse eyes. Or Billy Ray could be there, waiting to shoot you with his sawed-off shot gun before roasting you on his shopping cart grill. Basically, a bad scene will be waiting for you if you hop over Miley’s wall.

Radar says that the cops arrived at around 4:45 this morning and put 40-year-old Jason Luis Rivera in handcuffs. Jason Luis Rivera, who sort of looks like a Latino Uncle Fester, told the cops that Miley is his wife and that they’ve been friends for five years. Anybody who proudly admits that Miley is their friend should get tasered, so the cops tasered his ass. Miley’s stalker had a pair of scissors in his hand at the time.

That crazy bitch shouldn’t have broken out of his padded room at the mental hospital and he shouldn’t have stolen those scissors off the nurse’s station. Because sadly, there’s nothing he can do to save Miley’s tragic ass cockatoo haircut. It’s beyond help.