True Love Just Jumped Off A Bridge: Will Arnett & Amy Poehler Broke Up

September 6, 2012 / Posted by:

We all have two options:

1. Curse at Lainey at Lainey Gossip for writing a blind item that was made one of hundred percent fact.

or

2. Grab a soggy waffle and do the slow wall slide before becoming a sad puddle of misery on the floor. Because People just said this:

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are calling it quits.

The comedic stars, who wed in August 2003, are ending their marriage, a rep for both actors confirms to PEOPLE. The couple are parents to two sons – Archie, 3½, and Abel, 2.

And we have to hear it from People?! Amy and Will didn’t even knock on each one of our doors, sit us on the sofa and tell us to hug our favorite sofa pillow (you know you have one) before breaking the news to us gently and telling us that everything okay and we’ll see Will every other weekend (because NetFlix will start airing the new Arrested Development episodes early and every other weekend to help us deal with this tragic news)?

Let’s just cancel marriage altogether since it’s obviously a LIE! Jennifer Aniston had it right for so long. It’s best to stay a miserable, lonely,  dog-hoarding, dry in the pussy spinster who fills her empty heart with tequila. Because unlike love, tequila never does us wrong. (Cut to me in five minutes, opening up my kitchen cabinet to find an empty bottle of Patron. DAMMIT ALL TO COLD SHIT!)

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