Dear RiRi, Cobra Commander Wants His Lair Back
Tonight, you could've watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Allegiance at the DNC, or you could've watched RiRi earn a copyright infringement lawsuit from Cobra Commander by sitting on his throne at the MTV WhyInTheShitAmIWatchingThisMess Awards? I went with the latter and I would punish myself for that, but watching RiRi's piece of boring trash performance was punishment enough.
You know, we're always spitting shit at whores who lip-synch, but I wouldn't have done that to RiRi if she lip-synched tonight. Because when she sings live, bitch sounds like a lame goat with allergies giving birth through its ass while gargling with boric acid. The fact that she looked like a soggy, dirty tampon straight out of the 90's poon didn't help either. I totally sold that to you, I know. Press play!
On a positive note, I don't hate RiRi's weave-less hair. She has the same haircut this little Chinese girl in my 4th grade class got when her mom cut her bangs with pinking shears.