Snooki Wastes No Time In Getting That Check

It’s been only six seconds since Snooki’s first born (Side note: Nothing makes you want to switch out your morning coffee for a mug full of vodka to really stop the shivers you get from reading “Snooki’s first born.”) came out of her body covered in pickle bits and undigested Goldschlager slime, and she’s already cleaned him off in the jacuzzi and shoved him in front of a camera for his fame whore debut on People magazine. There’s really no safe place for your eyes to land. You can’t look directly at Snooki’s face, because she’s trying to smoosh your soul with her eyes. You can’t look at Lorenzo Dominic’s tacky as all fuck outfit, because it’ll feel like you just got splashed in the eyes with Jager. And you really can’t look at LeAnn Rimes’ face, because most doctors recommend eating a balanced breakfast in the morning and you can’t do that if you look at LeAnn’s face in the morning.

Snooki tells People that you won’t see her drunk pissing on the floor behind the bar at Karma while Baby Lorenzo pisses in his Affliction diaper next to her, because she’s a changed Ewok and her partying days are over:

“It’s a different kind of love that I never felt before. When I got pregnant, everything changed. The partying is long gone. I’m a new person.”

I’ll believe it when I don’t see Snooki doing tequila shots off of Lorenzo’s belly during Mommy and Me drinking class at some bar in New Jersey.

Here’s another picture of Lorenzo face palming on the inside. And Snooki’s face is what it looks like when you feed pickles to a Furby.